ITC Renames the Trumpet

Disclaimer: This article is actual fake news, but that doesn't make it worse than your actual news.

Bad Sackingen, Germany - 'Trump' is a sure way to get whatever article you want read by the masses these days. If you do not understand this concept, please see the following excerpt from the script of the movie Private Parts starring Howard Stern, referencing Howard Stern's listener base in the late 70's:

Researcher: The average radio listener listens for eighteen minutes a day. The average Howard Stern fan listens for - are you ready for this? - an hour and twenty minutes.

Kenny: How could this be?
Researcher: Answer most commonly given: "I want to see what he'll say next."
Kenny: : All right, fine. But what about the people who hate Stern?
Researcher: Good point. The average Stern hater listens for two and a half hours a day.
Kenny: : But... if they hate him, why do they listen?
Researcher: Most common answer: "I want to see what he'll say next."

Donnie Trumpet, in case Chance gets shortness of breathe

If you would like to see Paul Giamatti with hair, I encourage you to watch the clip on YouTube. This concept, which previously applied to a vulgar radio show host from the late-1970's, now applies to the executive of the largest economy on the planet Earth.

News outlets and television programs initially latched on to this quick fix for a ratings drought. Now, despite the tactic being more saturated than a doughnut in a hurricane, media are still using it to their advantage. However, one organization, the International Trumpet Guild (ITG), is making the proverbial push away from Trump shores.

"We understand that avoiding the name 'Trump' may give him more power - the Lord Voldemort theory - but we think 'brasset' is just a better name for the trumpet. And as musicians, the sound of things is important to us. Please associate us with brass and wind versus things with trump in the name." says Cathy Leach, President of the ITG, soon to be the IBG.

After all, the trumpet is made out of much more brass than trumps. The ITG is not sure if this official name change in the ITG's lexicon will change the culture of everyday people, but they believe it's one they are certainly jazzed up about.

This ahead of the 43rd annual International Trumpet Guild Conference from May 29 through June 2nd, 2018 will be wind for the horns to market themselves in new ways. Talk of changing the name Bad Sackingen, Germany, where the Euro-ITG chapter was formed, to something less cringing is sure to come up.

Man makes Homemade Falafel, Discovers Nirvana

BOSTON, Ma. - Only moments ago, Jim Davis, age 32, successfully made homemade falafel without the assistance of a recipe.

The result: Enlightenment.

"Nothing is permanent. Except for the awesomeness of my home made, no recipe, debut falafel" commented Davis.

The recent finder of profound peace has since left his day job as a computer programmer to open a dojo-grill called Pita Paul and Mary.

"We will meditate, make falafel, eat falafel, and repeat."

Scripture will solely consist of Davis' journal entry post-falafel. "It'll be like Church if it had a true back story," boasts Davis.

Celebrities like Bill O'Reilly have already committed to the new falafel-sophy.

Disciples of the developing nirvana-based religion will be able to contribute to it's creation.

They will be encouraged to make their own falafel, without recipes, and to eat them in bliss.

These journal entries will create the ever-developing New Tahiniment.

"Our falafel is shaped by what we love. A pathless path of tastiness awaits us."

Boston Men No Longer Allowed to Use Bathrooms, Soon the World

BOSTON, Ma. - In the recent performances by Bean Town's beloved hockey team, men have taken to the bathrooms with increased urgency. This urgency has significantly decreased the accuracy of male bathroom goers.

Thus the City of Boston has placed a surprisingly uncontroversial, permanent ban on men's bathrooms.

"Men in general have very little use for bathrooms. And given recent sporting events and our history with public urination, we're at a tipping point where we're just saying 'F*** IT! No more bathrooms, guys!" says Mayor Tom Menino.

Cities around the country have considered such measures not only profoundly logical, but politically rewarding.

"With women's pay and overall rights still not quite up to what it should be, we figure giving them twice as many bathrooms is just a great PR move for society in general," says Barack Obama.

With the "Cradle of Liberty" soiled with the digestion of Beantown's excremental actions, the world looks on at its dirty water to see if such bowld movements ignite a golden shower of innovation for the world.

Yeah.

'Lady of the Night' now means Female Ninja

BOSTON - With women's rights moving in a positive direction, many tired sayings have been put under the social knife and slowly castrated. Who just cringed? I know I did.

One such saying being 'Lady of the Night', which is one of the more confusing movie plots you can read on Wikipedia, but more pertinently is a synonym for a prostitute. Now the saying is going for something a little less derogatory and more badass.

"Feminists agree that women need to start referring to each other as ninjas a lot more. It really promotes an element of badassery that is lacking in the collective identity of women," says Gene Simmons (not the musician), a party leader in the underground caverns of Worldwide Women Domination planning.

Referred to as kunoichi female ninjas are trained in ninjutsu similarly to men. The vital difference being specialized training in using their additional orifice.

The literal translation of kunoichi being "nine plus one", with the plus one referring to the vagina.

"Yes, so the idea of a female ninja using her vagina as a weapon sounds not too different from a prostitute. We understand this. But we are okay with the idea of a women taking control of the night, using all of her faculties to partake in traditionally male pastimes such as espionage, assassinations, and sabotage."

So move over Norma Shearer, Lucy Lui is the new Lady of the Night. Is that racist and sexist? The terminology is too new to really know for sure.

Sequester? More like Suck-quester! Am I right? ...

Washington, D.C. - Animals all around the US have been muttering and making smug faces at the impending ugliness of sequestration.

Or as one sagely homo sapien put it - "Sequester? More like suck-quester!" due to the sucky nature of the entire ordeal.

The profound insight of such a comment is only surpassed by its sweeping acceptance.

Many have made public outcry over national park closures and staffing issues that will develop from the national spending cuts.

Luckily it won't be only animals and people-animals who love visiting nature that suffer.

"Naw, not just innocent animals. Poor women, infants, and children who need medical and housing assistance, old people, and the mentally handicapped will lose support. Hopefully this will teach them to not be so poor and handicapped! Ha!" says House Speaker John Boehner.

In The Skillet's never ending search for the most accurate news conceivable, we reached out to social dignitary Kanye West to comment on the effects of sequestration, Proposition 8, and all things government in order to put this whole mess together.

"I heard 'em say that nothing's ever promised tomorrow today. The real matrimony is with money and yeah they tryna break the marriage up."

And with this no light was really shed on the subject, but The Skillet got to hang out with 'Ye for about 5 minutes, which was worth it.

It's FR*CK*N'! SNOWING!

EVERYWHERE - It's frickin' snowing!

Meteorologists, psychologists, and Scientologists have all set aside their unclear differences and agreed to the fact that it is indeed snowing outside.

"Seriously, it is" says a person who has eyes and is standing outside and who knows what snow is.

The Israeli and Pakistani governments have even agreed to interrupt thousands of years of conflict for the beloved American past time of using the weather as small talk.

"It's quite refreshing actually," says Pakistani leader Something O'Rother.

"Instead of addressing the fact that our countries have a difference in core beliefs, I'd much rather make small talk and act like there's nothing wrong.

The Skillet has reason to believe that it will stop snowing at some point. But for now, it ... is snowing.

News sources report no news to report

Washington, D.C. - Local and national news sources have been on the horn with each other all weekend to figure out what news there is to report.

Their report?

Nothing.

"With such little to report, it seems like we should be reporting this. But that might defeat the point of our jobs" says mogul Rupert Murdoch.

News organizations across the country have thus agreed to take the first day off in news history.

"We are not going to report anything!" they announced in their latest issues.

After realizing their contradiction, the entire news industry went back to sleep knowing that tomorrow is another day.