Hackneyed not a hackneyed word

WASHINGTON, D.C. - hack·neyed
Adjective
(of a phrase or idea) Lacking significance through having been overused.

Synonyms
trite - banal - commonplace - threadbare - platitudinous

With so many words, it is surprising that people tend to use the same ones. But we do. Even 'trite' borders on being commonplace. Get it? It's a synonym joke.

Convenience, familiarity, and simplicity are in favor of reusing overused blabber. But The Skillet had a conversation about words (while using words, so meta) that are not overused with a man that uses them daily.

We asked former basketball star Jamal Mashburn if he thought people used the word 'hackneyed' too much.

Know what he said?

"No"

Well there you have it folks. Jamal Mashburn thinks hackneyed is not a hackneyed word. So go ahead, use it today, but not too much. Or else Jamal Mashburn will dunk on your grandmother and sleep with your girlfriend.

Just kidding, Jamal Mashburn respects women.

'Nickelback sucks' now as cool as yelling 'Play Freebird'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Nickelback has risen steadily in popularity since "How You Remind Me" kicked it on TRL's top 10 back in 2001. They have continued on with stellar record sales grossing over 50 million albums worldwide.

But outside the sales, the band has become a target of infamy rather than praise.

'Nickelback sucks' has consequently become a saying as original and funny as heart attacks and clowns. Experts are calling it the new equivalent to yelling 'Freebird' at a concert, which ended its reign of witty things to say at a concert somewhere in the 80's.

'Freebird' or 'Play Freebird' has since been beaten worse than a Rihanna reference. (Double entendre?)

Much like the swift, righteous crowd of groaning after being yelled by The Skillet at a Mountain Goats concert, it is now becoming social contract for groans, sighs, or general complacency to be the 'Nickelback sucks' reflex.

In an attempt to keep negativity moving, social law makers are litigating to stop the piss and vinegar from getting in the holy water. (What?)

Google is being asked to defer searches for 'Nickelback', or 'Nickelback sucks' to recipes for zucchini bread in hopes for a more delicious general public.

This Zucchini Bread Intervention is considered a best-practice anti-hatred campaign based on nothing but the deliciousness of zucchini bread. I mean look at that friggin picture and tell me you don't want some of that.

But it's easy to be reminded of how they really are, being one of the most highly reviled things in current existence.

Public Policy Polling even used Nickelback as a metric of comparison to evaluate the popularity, or lackthereof, of Congress among the American people. Other metrics of comparison used in this nationally distributed report (linked here) were lice, colonoscopies, root canals, and Genghis Khan (a guy who massacred millions of people for pure power).

The contagion of hatred being what it is, Americans have jumped on to the badmouth bandwagon, and many open mic comedy crowds have been the victims of this uninsightful babble.

With the Zucchini Bread Intervention in place, these silly Canadians have reason to be waiting on a different story. Someday, somehow, they might make it right, but not right now.

Until then the power chords of their hearts will be worth breaking just like Rebecca Black's and the Insane Clown Posse's. Even if the zucchini bread doesn't stop people from complaining about Nickelback, you still get zucchini bread. And that's a world worth fighting for.

Wait, Bernie Mac is dead?!

2008 - Wait, so Bernie Mac is dead? One of the Kings of Comedy. How did no one tell us about this? Dude dies at 50 and there wasn't a big concert on TV to benefit whatever he died from?

Pneumonia!? It had complications with his what?! Sarcoidosis?! What the h-e-double hockey sticks is that?

So you're telling me that Bernie Mac, Frank Catton from Ocean's Eleven, is dead and no one told The Skillet?!

A hilarious dude who was in Friday and Booty Call dies, and it doesn't make national headlines? What the F*** is wrong with this country? Okay so, because Don Cheadle was at his wedding I'm supposed to feel better about this?! F*** YOU!

So wait, just to verify, Chris Rock's older brother in Head of State, Buster from How to be a Player, and Bernie Mac from The Bernie Mac Show is dead?!

This sucks.

There is actually enough time in the day, Scientists discover

UTAH - Days. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!

For decades people have made claims that days are not long enough. Many people have taken up formal complaints with their computer monitors and spouses about the lack of time they seem to possess. But scientists in Utah have just discovered that there is exactly the right amount of time in a day.

"Some people might feel like their days go by too quick, so they think they have less total time in their day than they would like," says Utah resident Karl Malone.

The scientists recorded and studied an entire day of 200 participants' lives in a recent study that lasted 24 hours. Their results were astonishing. John Stockton, the Principal Investigator of the project, has provided us the recap:

"We double-blinded the participants and how their day was to be measured. The result was 100 observed occurrences of day duration equaling 1440.00 minutes, and 100 equaling 86400.00 seconds (SD=0.0, V=0.0). Then we compared our findings with Wikipedia's definition of a day , and it turned out to be accurate. There was in fact enough time in their days."

 With any major scientific breakthrough comes the harsh realization of what's really reality.

"Realistically, we know we have enough time, we just don't want to deal with the fact that we aren't managing our time to our contentment. Our anxiety and stress lead us to hyperbolize our own inadequacies, using days as the scapegoat. Our should I say, scape-day! Ha!" believes Utah social scientist Jeff Hornacek.

The Skillet comes dangerously close to posting on its work Facebook account

Hagel in the news making readers hungry for bagels

PENTAGON - The announcement of Senator Chuck Hagel's upcoming appointment as the new Secretary of Defense is expected to have several major consequences. A drastic reduction in military spending, major changes in foreign interventions, and millions hungry for bagels.

"All I can think of is getting a bagel with cream cheese, lox, and salmon every time I hear the name Hagel. The name Hagel is way too close to bagel!" said one very Jewish Time reader.

Speaker of the House John Boehner is infuriated. "It's almost lunch time! And all everyone in America can think of is bagels! This is anarchy!"

Presses have ceased printing articles with Hagel's name, at least until after lunch. But for now, The Skillet wants a Defense Secretary Everything Hagel with Pesto.

Blitzen tests positive for doping, Christmas doesn't count

NORTH POLE - Blitzen, one of Santa's nine fabled reindeer, has recently tested positive for doping.

There has been a sharp outcry from the reindeer community regarding the testing.

"Rudolf is just the front man, the cover boy. If you need to get sh*t done in the reindeer community, you go to Blitzen" says Donner.

Blitzen's results may have an impact far greater than the embarrassment of the North Pole.

"With Blitzen testing positive for doping, there is a good chance the entire Christmas of 2012 will have to be stripped. All the presents burned or otherwise destroyed. Everything goes." says the Meister Burger.

Santa neglected to comment on the allegations.

Hermey the Elf was able to shed some light on the situation.

"Well if you know anything about the Reindeer, you know that it's dog-eat-dog. They literally eat the ones that can't fly. And Blitzen tested for blood doping. It's very likely that he just ate a brother or sister of his that has his same blood type, which has caused an increase in his red blood cells. The dude's a brute. But he gets things done."