Dibs Replaces Marriage in Utah

UTAH - Divorce has indubitably become one of the cooler things to do in the United States. Some people are lucky enough to go through the process multiple times.

With divorce rates on the rise according to random people on the street, despite not being reflected in actual statistics, marriage has started to lose its clout among many Americans. This sentiment is felt particularly in Utah, where Dibs is quickly replacing marriage for all intents and purposes.

"The sanctity of marriage is just lost on a lot of people," says former Utah Jazz star Karl Malone. "I have over 14,000 career rebounds. I know what it's like for people to miss, and the directions it can take."

Many people agree with Karl Malone.

"Mutual Dibs is just a whole lot more powerful and practical. Marriage is so showy, like 'Look at me, I'm married!'" added former Utah Jazz star John Stockton. "I have over 15,000 career assists. I know how to share and be a team player. And dibs is the way" concluded Stockton.

Social scientist and former Utah Jazz star Jeff Hornacek believes that dibs is the marriage of the 21st century. "Which sounds better - We got a divorce or we renegged our dibs? You can always reneg your dibs. I am a 2-time Three-Point Shootout Champion. I know how to control the long ball. I'm also not too good at making relevant analogies."

Malone, Stockton, and Hornacek all believe that marriage is too much pressure for modern society. They say that 'til death do you part' backs you into a corner. Dibs doesn't do that. You can always reneg your dibs without any of the negative legal or social implications that divorce has.

Malone added, "If you call dibs on a girl, all your fellas know to back off. Especially if you take her home and she claims Mutual Dibs. There's no need for marriage. Much like my NBA career, there's no ring involved in dibs."

Stockton and Hornacek have become legal Dibsers, the new equivalent to ordained ministers in the state of Utah. They have seen the majesty of Dibs bring together many happy couples, including Ashlee Simpson and Vincent Piazza, who recently broke up.

Hornacek commented, "Yes so what Simpson and Piazza broke up. If that had been marriage, Boardwalk Empire would have suffered. And that doesn't do anyone any good. But it was Dibs. And the season continues. I think Mama Jimmy's going to die."

Whether or not the Dibs sensation spreads to the rest of the country is a matter of Connectors, Mavens, and Salesmen according to Malcolm Gladwell. For now, we will have to wait, and anticipate the box office flop Dibsing Crashers starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.

Dude Drunkenly Uses All Three of his Genie Wishes

ORONO, Maine - We have just received word of a man in Orono, Maine who has uncovered a real magic lamp in the woods surrounding the University of Maine campus. James Robertson, age 19, the lucky young man, has been presented with the usual magic lamp offer, which includes three wishes.

Sources tell us that almost immediately upon being told about his wishes, Robertson asked the genie if he could get him some beer, despite already being inebriated. The genie responded, "I can get you anything. I'm a damn genie." Robertson then used his first wish on a 30-wrack of Bud Light. The genie reminded him that he could get anything, but was rudely interrupted with - "Shut up and get me the 30, genie!"

Much to his chagrin, the genie obliged and retrieved a 30-wrack of Bud Light.

Robertson and his two friends tried using the magic lamp as a bong, shook several cans up and cracked them open like champagne, and offered a few to two female passers-by of the promiscuous persuasion. The genie promptly reminded James that he cannot make them have sex with him.

As the night ended Robertson suddenly redeemed his last two wishes for pizza and to not have to go to his classes on Friday. Before bidding adieu to his master, the genie regarded Robertson as the worst wisher ever. The conversation went something like this:

Genie: "I've been doing this for millennia and you honestly have used your wishes so -"
JR: "Enough, already! I've seen this speech in Good Will Hunting"
Genie: "What? I'm not Robin Williams, I'm a real genie"
JR: "Yeah, right. If you were a real genie you would've gotten me something better than pizza, beer, and tomorrow's notes."
Genie: "YOU WISHED FOR THOSE -"
JR: "Heck you couldn't even get me laid"
Genie: "You suck"
JR: "Go suck on some spinach Popeye!"
Genie: "I'm NOT Robin Williams!"
JR: "Whatever"

That's all for now. This is The Skillet reporting live from Orono, Maine

Win Scrabble, Win Your Freedom: Local Neurosurgery Department steps up Discharge Game

BOSTON, Massachusetts - Boston, Massachusetts. Home to some of the best hospitals in the world. Mass General, Mass Eye & Ear, and Brigham and Women's are all ranked top 3 in their specialties in the nation according to U.S. News.

It takes innovative thinking to stay at the forefront of health care. It requires guts, intelligence, and, now, a board game.

Massachusetts General Hospital, which is ranked third in the nation in Neurology and Neurosurgery, requires a thorough analysis of brain trauma patients before their release. CT scans, MRIs, and motor skills are all reviewed in order to prevent premature discharges.

And now, they're stepping their game up.

Mass General, the Big Boston Brain Boss, is requiring all head trauma patients to beat their attending physicians and nurses in a game of Scrabble in order to ensure their cognitive capacity.

"We really want to start taking patient releases seriously. Too often brain trauma patients leave hospitals after a few lousy tests. I forget why we even do them. It's time for a fresh start."

Doctor Robert Lawrence Martuza, Chief Physician of the Department of Neurosurgery at Mass General, issued this complaint and has sought to start anew. He believes that if patients are well enough to beat their attending medical team in Scrabble, then they have beaten their brain trauma.

"The process has been absolutely great for our staff," says Dr. Martuza. "People don't like tests. And they don't like tests being explained to them. It's too uncomfortable, and people don't feel involved in the process. What is there not to understand about using the word EXEQUY on a triple word? You just got owned and THAT'S your explanation for why you can't leave! We're putting patients in the game!"

Despite the positive response from the Neurosurgery staff, some patients have issued complaints with the new screening tool. "It's hard to beat physicians in a game of Scrabble. Even without a concussion. They are usually pretty smart," says an anonymous patient.

Martuza is well aware of the resistance to the new method. "Sure we have considered the cognitive difficulty level to defeat doctors and nurses in Scrabble. But we want to take these patients and their injuries seriously. We want to give them time, not rush them. Finally you have to remember, all these complaints are coming from brain trauma victims, so what are they really worth? Maybe 20 points on a double word at the max. Most of them can't even remember the Republican nominee in the recent election."

"It hurts," said one patient after seeing Dr. Martuza play ZEBRA on a corner. "Then get better!" was his response.

Whether or not the Scrabble Screen is considered a best-practice is yet to be determined. But for now, the medical community is taking notice and the 8 points that comes with it (N,O,T,I,E = 1 pt each + C=3pts = 8 total).

You heard me. Take notice Rest of the World! Boston, the best of the best in medical science has set the precedent. Since all of you are inferior to us Bostonians, you'd better do what we do.

What?

What do you mean the Mayo Clinic, Johns Hopkins Hospital, and the Cleveland Clinic are ranked higher than Boston hospitals in most areas?

F*** you!

Go ahead, go to Cleveland! The Drew Carey Show sucked anyways! Okay, I didn't mean that, I liked the Drew Carey Show. Ok. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks. I love you too. Goodnight mom.

'Horse Sh*t' becomes legal motion in U.S Judicial System

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Administrative, criminal, and civic proceedings can often be a bore. Not only to jury members and witnesses, but to attorneys and judges alike. This staleness can often cost people undeserved life sentences, hefty fines, or clean slates in order to simply end the day's drudgery.

In a bizarre attempt to rejuvenate and liven up the United States judicial system, there has been an addition to the rules regarding motions. The ever-popular 'horse sh*t' is a term not unfamiliar to court cases in television shows and movies, but is hardly ever accepted in real court cases. Well now the fan favorite verbal retort is making a jump from celluloid to the stand.

"Horse sh*t just rolls off the tongue so much easier, and is much more fun to say," says Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts.

Roberts also believes this new type of motion will create a better overall judicial system.

"Court cases can become so dangerously boring that no one is even paying attention anymore. The formalities are piled too high for people to get over within a reasonable amount of time. Horse sh*t allows us to bypass some of those formalities and to get things done."

Others believe the new form of motion is too broad and vague to have a practical place in the court system. Such believers have admitted their overwhelming jealousy for new law students who get to use 'horse sh*t' in their trial courses.

Whether or not real viles of horse sh*t are allowed in the court is to be determined, but it looks like there's a good horse shot that will happen.

Sex- Scandal Surrounding Parents of Half a Dozen Babies

NEW JERSEY - There is a major sex- scandal surrounding the birth of half a dozen identical babies in Princeton, New Jersey. Wait ... I'm getting an update. Ok, it turns out sex is the prefix for six. The babies are sextuplets and there's no scandal involving the parents. The couple is happily married. White. Ok. Nevermind! Back to you Bob!

New Highway System to model Hot Wheels tracks

THE CONFEDERACY -  Plans are a brewing in Washington for loopdi-loops, jumps and magnetic strips to build up friction. Rub your car back and forth and get ready to let it rip, because there's a new highway system that models the childhood favorite Hot Wheels tracks.

The American Reinvestment and Recovery Act (ARRA) was signed into action in 2009, and has led to steady increases in paved roads and labor opportunities. It turns out the transportation provision has an extension to the ARRA "Pave every road" plan, which includes the approval for a life-sized Hot Wheels track in every state by the year 2016. The project is expected to start in the South, given the region's affinity for NASCAR, higher speed limits, and more open roads.

All roads will be painted yellow, of course, and will have very minimal guard rails to promote maximal carnage. This will allow more people to die (less freeloaders), more car fires (better TV, more firefighter jobs), and of course put the auto industry back to business to match the demand from all the car wrecks.

 Once this goes national, there's a good chance every passenger in America will need a roll cage, which will cause a boom in that industry too! So don't pollute our wetlands and watersheds, because they're now our bail out zones. Like break down lanes only much less practical.

This whole nation is going to be like Honey I Shrunk the Kid and Then He Turned Into a Ghost and Manufactured a Whole Bunch of Life Sized Hot Wheels Cars and Then Convinced Us To Drive Them Like Evil Gosh Darn Kenevil and Is Playing With Us Like His Toys Making Sounds Like Vroom Vroom But We Can't Hear Him Because He's On The Other Side, But Dogs Can Hear Him Because They're More In Touch With the Earth and Living and Non-Living Things... What You Don't Think That's True? Then How Can they Sense Death, HUH JEFF?!!Yeah Cats Can Do That Too But Cats Would Never Alert Us If There Were Ghosts So What's The Point? God You Suck Jeff,  or Honey I Shrunk the Kid 2 for short, if it was directed by Michael Bay instead of Randal Kleiser (with the kid showing two fingers like he's saying "I'm THIS many!").

America Voted Best Country in the Universe

U.S of A - The world is tired of measuring a nation's success by useless metrics such as Gross Domestic Product and life expectancy. How many people have access to clean water? How many people have access to health care? These are examples of stupid questions asked by stupid people.

The world wants to know which country is the absolute best. And what better way than the Princeton Review? The Princeton Review, known for its college rankings, is the most comprehensive polling system on the planet. It allows the same person to vote multiple times for a particular item.

The prestigious award of Best Country in the Universe deserves such a system that allows people who want it more to win. According to a mildly credible source on Yahoo answers, the average household has 2 computers, which has launched the United States to the top of the list.

Some people have suggested that the title "Best Country in the Universe" lacks any notion of humility and perpetuates its image as a narcissistic, self-indulgent land of infidels. But those people are probably just sore losers who were rooting for France to under frog its way through. No way Pierre!

The real way to determine who is the best is the Dunk Contest. And until someone can top Vince Carter's 360 Windmill, the red white and blue will stay on top. He was born in Daytona Beach where we burn up precious gasoline that we killed for in our automobiles for SPORT!