Maniac puts 3 packets of Swiss Miss in hot chocolate

Washington, D.C. - This morning, at 8:57 AM EST, David Johnsons put 3 --- count them --- 3 packs of Swiss Miss powdered hot chocolate in his morning hot chocolate.

Such gluttonous consumption of Swiss Miss is a new level for the human race.

When asked to comment on such a maniacal act - "No remorse" - was all Johnsons had to say.

"I've never seen such reckless disregard by a living being before," says eye-witness Dave M from finance.

"And now people are talking about how 'Dave' put 3 packets of Swiss Miss in his hot chocolate. David J! Not Dave M! I can't be associated with that level of anarchy."

The local public health department was notified by the office staff of the wild and crazy Dave who put three packets of Swiss Miss in his hot chocolate. They immediately dispersed all available units for damage control.

An initial report speculates that Johnsons is or at least believes himself to be Count Chocula. Given each Swiss Miss packet contains as much calcium as an 8 oz. glass of milk, the CDC has issued publications on the dangers of calcium deposits in anticipation of copycats.

God help us all.

Nutella admits to putting crack cocaine in their spread

Washington, D.C. - Ferrero International, maker of the household product Nutella, has just confessed to the general public that there is indeed crack cocaine in their delicious hazelnut spread.

The news has been taken with pure, unadulterated relief.

"I was worried that I had a serious personal issue to deal with. An addiction to a very addictive drug is much easier to substantiate" says Skillet correspondent Tim Mallard.

With thousands of addictions now justified, supermarkets have observed a major surge in Nutella sales.

"It's almost apocalyptic. People are running in here taking Nutella off the shelves like zombies looking for Nutella. I've seen 12 stabbings today," says Safeway supermarket manager Todd Greenger.

Admonishment has been surprisingly nonexistent for the high level of unethical and illegal activity conducted by Ferrero International. Policymakers and consumers alike have all agreed to look passed this minor detail in order to continue making their morning oatmeal as delicious as possible.

Even Barack Obama approves:

"You know we would ordinarily want to outlaw and actively restrict access to anything containing highly addictive, unhealthy, and illegal substances such as crack cocaine. But in the case of Nutella, I'm afraid we can't. Who's going to tell the American people they can no longer have Nutella? Sure as hell ain't going to be me. Frankly, I think that crack just got grandfathered into America via Nutella."

Sexy ass Nutella eaters get their fix

Since the unveiling of Nutella's secret ingredient, Chinese food restaurants across the United States have admitted to lacing their meals with THC and Washington has thus allowed for marijuana to be legalized too.

"What, you think I can get rid of Chinese food in the US? You kidding me?" says Barack Obama in his best Jim Mora impression before adding, "We'd be lucky to win a game!" which held no coherence to the press conference, but was nevertheless an enjoyable Jim Mora tribute.

The largest issue with the news has been coining a term for Nutella addicts. With the surname 'heads' already being attached to pot, crack, and meth, The Skillet has elected for the term Nuts-ella.

"Like culs-de-sac" says Mallard.

Like culs-de-sac.

More hookers funnier than less hookers

WASHINGTON, D.C. - People want their bucks to bang, and in the world of hookers, quantity is the power bottom.

Often the go-to for making fun of powerful and/or desperate men, hookers are the relief of anybody looking to turn a comedy trick of the mouth.

But one may wonder, how do you make jokes about hookers funnier?

The Skillet studied this question thoroughly by watching 15 minutes of cable television.

The answer? More.

"People find more hookers funnier than less hookers. The number of hookers a person encounters is directly proportional to how desperate they are and how shameful they should be. Other people's desperation and shame are hilarious to us," says former soulless ET correspondent Mark Steines.

"If you have 1 hooker in your bedroom, okay. Kind of funny, kind of sad. 10 hookers? Hilarious! 100 HOOKERS?! Are you kidding me? How did you fit 100 hookers in one bedroom? Picture them piling out like a clown car of indulgence and self-loathing. It's comedy gold!" says Skillet correspondent Patton Oswalt.

People of all ages love to joke about hookers. Most just think 'hooker' has a ring to it. Especially old people.

"Of course I love hookers. Why do you think I helped traffic so much crack through this country in the 80's? To help kill off those stupid Sand-o-ricans or whatever they were called, sure, but more importantly so we could say CRACK WHORES!" says Clair George, Chief of the CIA during the Reagan administration.

"Crack whores! Hilarious!" added George.

Prostitution allows for women who have little money and resources to feel even less self-worth than they already have. Which in America is just fantastic.

How many hookers is the perfect amount of hilarity?

"237" says Patton Oswalt. "238 is just too many hookers"

So for those with aspirations of making ET level quips this weekend, remember the 237-rule of hookers.

Hackneyed not a hackneyed word

WASHINGTON, D.C. - hack·neyed
Adjective
(of a phrase or idea) Lacking significance through having been overused.

Synonyms
trite - banal - commonplace - threadbare - platitudinous

With so many words, it is surprising that people tend to use the same ones. But we do. Even 'trite' borders on being commonplace. Get it? It's a synonym joke.

Convenience, familiarity, and simplicity are in favor of reusing overused blabber. But The Skillet had a conversation about words (while using words, so meta) that are not overused with a man that uses them daily.

We asked former basketball star Jamal Mashburn if he thought people used the word 'hackneyed' too much.

Know what he said?

"No"

Well there you have it folks. Jamal Mashburn thinks hackneyed is not a hackneyed word. So go ahead, use it today, but not too much. Or else Jamal Mashburn will dunk on your grandmother and sleep with your girlfriend.

Just kidding, Jamal Mashburn respects women.

'Nickelback sucks' now as cool as yelling 'Play Freebird'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Nickelback has risen steadily in popularity since "How You Remind Me" kicked it on TRL's top 10 back in 2001. They have continued on with stellar record sales grossing over 50 million albums worldwide.

But outside the sales, the band has become a target of infamy rather than praise.

'Nickelback sucks' has consequently become a saying as original and funny as heart attacks and clowns. Experts are calling it the new equivalent to yelling 'Freebird' at a concert, which ended its reign of witty things to say at a concert somewhere in the 80's.

'Freebird' or 'Play Freebird' has since been beaten worse than a Rihanna reference. (Double entendre?)

Much like the swift, righteous crowd of groaning after being yelled by The Skillet at a Mountain Goats concert, it is now becoming social contract for groans, sighs, or general complacency to be the 'Nickelback sucks' reflex.

In an attempt to keep negativity moving, social law makers are litigating to stop the piss and vinegar from getting in the holy water. (What?)

Google is being asked to defer searches for 'Nickelback', or 'Nickelback sucks' to recipes for zucchini bread in hopes for a more delicious general public.

This Zucchini Bread Intervention is considered a best-practice anti-hatred campaign based on nothing but the deliciousness of zucchini bread. I mean look at that friggin picture and tell me you don't want some of that.

But it's easy to be reminded of how they really are, being one of the most highly reviled things in current existence.

Public Policy Polling even used Nickelback as a metric of comparison to evaluate the popularity, or lackthereof, of Congress among the American people. Other metrics of comparison used in this nationally distributed report (linked here) were lice, colonoscopies, root canals, and Genghis Khan (a guy who massacred millions of people for pure power).

The contagion of hatred being what it is, Americans have jumped on to the badmouth bandwagon, and many open mic comedy crowds have been the victims of this uninsightful babble.

With the Zucchini Bread Intervention in place, these silly Canadians have reason to be waiting on a different story. Someday, somehow, they might make it right, but not right now.

Until then the power chords of their hearts will be worth breaking just like Rebecca Black's and the Insane Clown Posse's. Even if the zucchini bread doesn't stop people from complaining about Nickelback, you still get zucchini bread. And that's a world worth fighting for.

Wait, Bernie Mac is dead?!

2008 - Wait, so Bernie Mac is dead? One of the Kings of Comedy. How did no one tell us about this? Dude dies at 50 and there wasn't a big concert on TV to benefit whatever he died from?

Pneumonia!? It had complications with his what?! Sarcoidosis?! What the h-e-double hockey sticks is that?

So you're telling me that Bernie Mac, Frank Catton from Ocean's Eleven, is dead and no one told The Skillet?!

A hilarious dude who was in Friday and Booty Call dies, and it doesn't make national headlines? What the F*** is wrong with this country? Okay so, because Don Cheadle was at his wedding I'm supposed to feel better about this?! F*** YOU!

So wait, just to verify, Chris Rock's older brother in Head of State, Buster from How to be a Player, and Bernie Mac from The Bernie Mac Show is dead?!

This sucks.

There is actually enough time in the day, Scientists discover

UTAH - Days. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!

For decades people have made claims that days are not long enough. Many people have taken up formal complaints with their computer monitors and spouses about the lack of time they seem to possess. But scientists in Utah have just discovered that there is exactly the right amount of time in a day.

"Some people might feel like their days go by too quick, so they think they have less total time in their day than they would like," says Utah resident Karl Malone.

The scientists recorded and studied an entire day of 200 participants' lives in a recent study that lasted 24 hours. Their results were astonishing. John Stockton, the Principal Investigator of the project, has provided us the recap:

"We double-blinded the participants and how their day was to be measured. The result was 100 observed occurrences of day duration equaling 1440.00 minutes, and 100 equaling 86400.00 seconds (SD=0.0, V=0.0). Then we compared our findings with Wikipedia's definition of a day , and it turned out to be accurate. There was in fact enough time in their days."

 With any major scientific breakthrough comes the harsh realization of what's really reality.

"Realistically, we know we have enough time, we just don't want to deal with the fact that we aren't managing our time to our contentment. Our anxiety and stress lead us to hyperbolize our own inadequacies, using days as the scapegoat. Our should I say, scape-day! Ha!" believes Utah social scientist Jeff Hornacek.