Yelling "Run Forrest Run" at joggers now legal equivalent to Murder

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Since the 1994 release of Forrest Gump, runners and casual joggers alike have heard one trite calling from passing cars followed by uproarious laughter.

Motorists have used it for over a decade to satisfy their desire for poking fun at those who run.
Now punishable by lethal injection and instant vigilante justice, "Run Forrest Run!" is taking to the hills.

Given the physical fitness of Representatives and Senators who have signed the bill, the legal action was most likely spearheaded by a disgruntled group of old and angry lobbyist-runners who have some favors and miles to cash in on.

With many more important political matters up in the air right now, it has been perfect timing for what would normally be a pretty controversial decision by the 112th United States Congress. "Most people haven't even noticed. The fact that we are legally advocating for vigilante killings of anyone who yells a pretty harmless, albeit hackneyed, saying is borderline unethical," believes Michigan Senator Carl Levin.

"Yeah, sure it's odd. But so is the spelling of my last name," added Speaker of the House John Boehner.

"I agree," additionally added Idaho Senator Mike Crapo.

Majority Leader of the Senate, Harry Reid has endorsed the bill by explaining, "Hey, two weeks left, f*** it!" With such infallible rationale it was useless explaining to Reid that there are in fact 11 weeks left before the 112th Congress is adjourned.

Though no plausible justifications for the bill have been found, runners sure are happy to hear about the old taunt going to heaven with Mama. Congress, appearing to be running on empty and running wild, (lyrics to the Jackson Browne song that plays in the background while Forrest runs across the country during the movie - I just assumed people wouldn't get the reference) is merely proud to have enacted something with some real balls to it.

Two Friends have Extremely Mediocre Night at College

UNIVERSITY COLLEGE - Thursday nights at colleges favor those brave, bold, and thirsty souls who venture out into the wild. Their quest is one of laughter, intercourse, and/or inebriation, not necessarily in that order. And last night two souls went out salivating for such treasures.

Jeff and Brad are your run of the mill college students. They are sophomores majoring in Business from white, middle class families in the same state. They enjoy Dave Matthews Band, Boondock Saints, and intramural basketball.

Jeff and Brad (Jefrad) started their night off by having a few friends from freshman year come over to their room. They played Kings and drank Bud Light from 8 o'clock until about 9:30 PM. The inability to say the first names of other participants left many of the less advanced Kings players to consume disproportionately more alcohol than others.

Afterwards they left to go to a party one Kings participant had heard about at an on-campus apartment. The disproportionately drunk population on board made their 1 mile walk more taxing than anticipated. Upon their 10:30 arrival at the party the duo checked the printer paper list for Beirut, only to discover it had been completely filled. They flipped the paper over and started a continuation on the other side.

While waiting for game time, Jefrad indulged in a game of @$$hole for about an hour. During this Brad introduced his name, class, and major to four separate people and one person twice. Jeff had involved himself in a discussion with a fellow classmate about how vague their English professor has been about writing assignments.

Thanks to the obliviousness of a few queued up teams, Jefrad were able to play Beirut earlier than expected. They beat the other team by two cups after a clever bounce by Brad and a well-played "Island" call by Jeff. Jefrad won the next game easily against two girls who were having a difficult time remembering the game was still going on.

Once the game was over Jefrad, the party began clearing out with the priority of making it to the local _HOP pizza place. Accomplishments from their travel included one of the girls puking in a bush and two guys getting into a brief, verbal altercation. Jefrad abstained due to their tunnel visioned focus on the cheesy goodness of pizza.

To cap off the night they watched a guy get arrested and a couple argue, as they sat and ate their 'za across the street. Jefrad consumed 7 beers each on the night, had a glass of water before bed, remembered to take out their contacts, brushed their teeth, and didn't set their alarms.

They awoke, went to breakfast, and unleashed their tale of extreme mediocrity on the rest of the campus. The story has gone viral in the most remarkable way, given the absence of excitement or highlights to attract anyone into hearing it.

Beaker named Sexiest Man Alive

LOS ANGELES - Beaker is on fire. And for once it's not at the hands of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, but rather, People magazine.

As an assistant scientist and test subject with a long history of withstanding dangerous experiments, Beaker's hotness can no longer be denied. After an underdog win in Facebook's poll for "Favorite Muppet" over Kermit and Animal, this former test dummy has the ladies saying 'meep-meep'.

His hotness is just finally climaxing among popular culture decades after The Muppet Show stopped airing on live television. People magazine has prematurely released its decision, which is usually announced in November, due to the high volume of excitement buzzing around the very manly Muppet of few words.

Ever since he teleported away with Czech model Petra Nemcova during A Muppet Christmas: Letters to Santa in 2008, Beaker has drawn attention from men and women all over the world.

"People want to know how he does it," says George Clooney, two time winner of the People magazine accolade. "It's easy for people to see why someone like me or the Brads [Cooper and Pitt] get the title. But Beaker ... he brings sexy to a new level."

His intelligence, shyness, and misfortune at the hands of science all contribute to his tender appeal. Also his renditions of such classics as "Ode to Joy", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", and "Feelings" alongside the Swedish Chef and Animal are demonstrations of his talent, range, and versatility.

Clooney went on to add, "People can sympathize with Beaker. His sufferings are numerous, but he always gets back up. And that's pure sex appeal. Also I think that Germ Enlarger worked on other things."

What Beaker conquers next is yet to be seen. Surely, hair growth formula won't be the only thing causing his head to bust open, insinuating that the designation of Sexiest Man Alive will be an ego boost, and definitely not anything sexual and crude.

A Thing that's not a Thing is becoming a big Thing: And Facebook Users are Invited to Suck It

THE BOOK OF FACES - People have a tendency to say things they regret. Some even go a step further and post them on the internet to be publicized forever. And with Facebook's Timeline feature, you can look up all the things people shouldn't have said publicly dating back to when their social media life was conceived.

In a recent internet debacle, Facebook has been subjected to a backlash of complaints regarding its Timeline feature. Facebook users are complaining that their old "private" messages are available for anyone to see and markedly embarrassing.

The best part is, this isn't a thing. "People are festering over a thing that's not a thing. If it was a thing, we could fix it and just say 'Sorry' ... but alas it is not. They are being haunted by the Posts of Christmas Past," says founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

"It's ridiculous!" says one disgruntled FB user. "Facebook has allowed all the private messages I posted on people's walls years ago to be seen by anyone and everyone that's a friend!"

Facebooked with a real imaginary problem, the social media powerhouse is developing its PR strategy to combat the issue. "We are cordially inviting all Facebook users who are angry about this problem to suck it," says Zuckerberg. "We feel this is the best solution. We can apologize all day and night about something that doesn't exist and people will still be angry. So we're just going to invite them to suck it ... cordially, of course."

Facebook has even gone a step further with this PR campaign and hired all the former members of the Worldwide Wrestling Federation's Degeneration X to appear in internet broadcasts and at all press conferences. X-Pac, The Road Dogg Jesse James, Triple X, Sean Michaels, and Chyna have all agreed to participate in the funnest public relations strategy of all time.

Degeneration X, also known as DX, is excited for the new employment opportunity. "You know the whole 'Band of Outlaws' gimmick of telling people to 'suck it' really lost its luster after the late 90's and early 2000's. Frankly it's just rude. But we're glad to be bringing DX back - and for such a good cause."

What's old will become new again this fall in the "Suck My Face Book" public relations tour that will questionably put an end to Facebook's anti-glitch uproar.