Man makes millions selling Awesome Resolutions

INTERNET - New Year's Resolutions are usually pretty lousy. The only thing worse than having to come up with your own is listening to other people's.

Well this year, in true capitalist fashion, David Ausenburg, aged 24, sold "non-crappy" resolutions for $20 a piece. The end result was over 250,000 resolutions sold, totalling well over $5 million in revenue.

Ausenburg, having distributed his product electronically, collected pure profit from the business venture. Forbes and Fortune magzine have already reserved interviews with the man who has achieved the American Dream in less than 24 hours.

"It was really easy, I just had them fill out a survey and it automatically generated resolutions that didn't suck and sent them to their e-mail address," says Ausenburg.

"Most people received 'similar' resolutions."

In lieu of the hackneyed determinations to lose weight, save money, and spend more time with friends and family, Ausenburg has his customers doing the Most Awesomest Things ever.

"I just took the top rated items from the website MostAwesomestThingEver.com and made resolutions around them."

The most common resolutions involved learning how to travel through time, how to teleport, and eat as much pizza as you can.

One happy customer reports, "I am pumped with my resolution. Instead of having a stupid one, now I have to buy a laser gun. Like the one from GoldenEye. I don't know if they make them, but I'll sure as heck find out."

Wall Street is anticipating a spike in komodo dragon and jetpack sales. Hate or love Ausenburg's success, he has undoubtedly made the prospect of 2013 way awesomer than 2012. So sleep in to your new job as a ninja, because things are looking up in the new year.

Twinkies did not survive the apocalypse

Earth - Twinkies.

The indomitable junk food predicted to have enough artificial prowess to surpass all other organic life forms aside from bacteria and cockroaches.

Now merely a product and reference as outdated, inconsequential, and disappeared as Chris Angel.

With the end of the Mayan great cycle yielding low 40's and light rain instead of a James Cameron-esque movie ending (ugly), many earthlings have been left wondering what is next.

As Optimus Prime (my friends call me that cause I'm so optimistic and I'm good with algebra), I believe this "ending" is more like a Wachowski Brothers ending. Specifically, this is like Matrix 3 when Neo dies (if you haven't seen it and I ruined the ending for you, you deserve it. It's 2012).

In that ending the world is saved by the sacrifice of a man. It was not his sacrifice alone, but also the sacrifice of those who loved him enough to allow him to do the right thing. Even when it meant losing him.

It was a beautiful sunrise that next morning. The type that makes you believe in new beginnings. Just like the ending of V for Vendetta, another Wachowski Brothers epic, the world becomes ours to shape.

What I am trying to say is, the Wachowski Brothers are awesome. And the revolution has not yet begun.

Sent from my iPhone in Union Station, D.C.

Boehner suddenly a fan of Plan B, Zing

Washington, D.C. - Speaker of the House John Boehner has just released a Plan B, despite adamantly vowing to end all federal funding to Planned Parenthood.

Boehner, known for being a bit of a penis when it comes to womens health issues, has previously led a campaign against Planned Parenthood, a major supplier of Plan B, and also known for throwing millions of babies out windows every year.

Plan B is a pill taken after sexual intercourse to prevent male seed from becoming a human plant, much like the commercial herbicide Round Up for sperm. Statistically, poor people have a tendency to not take Plan B in order to have as many abortions as possible. The primary reason being that Planned Parenthood has distributed all lower class persons punch cards, which are good for one free abortion after 10 visits.

Boehner's Plan B is much better, because his Plan B will allow wealthy people to have more money. Wealthy people have much more expensive, job-creating, capitalist abortions. From there, wealthy people will hand their leftover moneys to poor people on the street, instead of the filthy government.

The Speakers Plan B has already vowed to not throw any babies out windows. His version will help the economy avoid falling off a "fiscal cliff". The "fiscal cliff" is when there will be cuts in spending and increases in taxes, causing people to lose their jobs.

The term fiscal cliff is deceiving, because even if the federal government doesn't wrap it up in time, they may find themselves having to retroactively fix their Act, double zing.

In conclusion, John Boehner is pro Plan B, but against people who distribute Plan B. The Skillet feels this level of political flip-flopping needs to be addressed.

We, the people, in order to form a more perfect union, should throw condoms on his yard. That'll teach 'em.

Love,
The Skillet

Nihilists trying to get pumped for Fiery Armageddon: Catch 22?

END OF DAYS - Existence. Is it a thing or not?

Whether we're part of a dream, or just shadows and dust, Friday your soul will be on real or fake fire and demons will be punching your grandmother.

With the end of days rapidly approaching, many people have taken different approaches to face their impending doom.

One school of philsophy, nihilists, who believe there is not any greater meaning or intrinsic value to life, have found themselves at a crossroads of emotions, or lackthereof.

To express too much emotion about anything is not usually their bag, but to see everyone in a tiff to because they are to be vaporized by their insignificance, is just fantastic.

"We really don't like to give two sh*ts about anything. But to have people freaking out about the apocalypse is just hilarious," says one person who didn't care to have a name, for names are just titles, which represent us, us who are nothing or no-thing.

"It's kind of like the Super Bowl for us. We want it to be a big party of anti-emotion. But that would be pretty much what we're already doing. If we get stoked for it, we're not being nihilists. But what's the point of being a nihilist if you can't get pumped for non-existence. Frankly, it's confusing."

For religious fanatics, the rapture is of course a very exciting time. But they're always getting worked up about Hey-Zeus coming back in town with a totally gnarley biker gang, usurping Jay-Z, and running this town tonight. I think that's how Dat New New Testament goes.

For us regular folk, this Friday will just be a good excuse to get drunk and hope that Bruce Willis saves the world. But if you see a nihilist (they will probably be listening to Tan Vampires or static on a television) inject him or her with some epinephrine (AKA testosterone - it gets ya jacked up!) and make him shotgun a Steel Reserve. Then watch Road Warrior and The Big Lebowski. If these things are now your Friday night plans, you're welcome.

Butt-sniffers in high demand as Identity Theft rises

Ontario - Local Ontario'ans have discovered they can no longer trust each other with personal information. Credit cards, bank statements, and social security numbers are becoming increasingly at risk for identity theft.

As Identity Theft continues to rise by 40% every year maybe, nations around the globe are seeking new ways to identify who you really are. The answer to their query, says the Ladies Man, may be 'da butt.

"As far as law enforcement goes, we have few ways of identifying people other than numbers, photos, various cards, fingerprints, tax documents, dental records, and passports. We need something a lot more reliable. Something that people can't forget or lose. Something that's sown on," says Superman.

That something that people can't lose, may be their butt holes.

"Think about it, how do dogs do security checks? Easy! Just a quick whiff of the poop chute and they know who they're dealing with. What's the point of all these ID's and Carfax's and LoJacks that we have to carry around. It's time to find out who people really are," surmised Barack Obama.

The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) has started its own dog training program similar to that of the DEA and FBI. Their dogs are being trained to identify whether or not the person has any other personal assets, unclaimed equity, or non-existent dependents.

The real challenge is for small shop keepers, banks, and those in Craigslist deals. How to be able to sniff your own customer to find out who they really are.

Former politician Paul Ryan has elected to lead the campaign to promote a new industry of Sniffers for the working class.

Whether or not this new identity theft prevention tactic works, either to improve security or to boost the economy, is yet to be seen. But what we can be sure about, is that all of the facts in this article are completely accurate. Go ahead. Take a whiff. I dare you.

Counting things is no longer cool

The Cool Brigade (somewhere in Iowa) - Counting things is great. It allows us to know approximately how many things we have or do not have, need to do or do not need to do, or other like practices.

But recently, the National Cool Brigade released its latest pronouncement of Cool Rulings or 'Coolings', which states that counting things is, in fact, no longer cool.

The age old practice of counting has come a long way in our history, but much like the atmosphere and fresh water, has been weathered by the exponential growth in reckless consumption of modern society.

21 Reasons Why Your Bathroom Should Have Teal in it, 43 Colors That Aren't as Good As Teal, and other such count-based articles have become more cluttering than non-recyclable plastics.

"Too many people have gotten into the counting game. Every article you see now has some sort of counting," says Sesame Street's The Count.

"Back in the good old days, you had Letterman doing his counting on The Late Show for adults, the Count doing his in the morning for kids, and me getting those in between, and those stoners staring at my cereal boxes," added Count Chocula.

The National Cool Brigade, known for having a lax schedule on issuing what is cool and what is not, has not made such a wide-scale pronouncement since 2005 when they told people to stop using Kazaa for downloading.

Twitter'ers and Tumblr'ers everywhere are on a quest to find new ways for expressing their ideas.

Drummer and record producer ?estlove is a fan of the revolution, "It's time to innovate. To simplify. You don't need 12 ways to make your man go crazy in the bedroom. You just gotta find one good one. And you're either with that or you're not."

Whether or not people get down with the sickness, and whether or not that's a relevant reference (it's not), the frequency of trendy 'x ways to do y' articles is sure to dwindle. Outlines, Flow Charts, and Bulleted Lists are inanimately chomping at the bit for a shot at the limelight.

But until a new method for writing articles emerges, I will be in my bathroom. Getting that thing teal as a moth*r f*ther.

Man finds Perfectly-sized Ziploc bag in Cabinet, Totally Pumped

Washington, D.C. - This morning, at 7:52 a.m., Jesse Thompson, a 34-year-old analyst living in Arlington, Virginia found a perfectly-sized Ziploc bag for his breadsticks.

The breadsticks, leftover from an thoroughly mediocre performance by Angelico Pizzeria on Saturday night, appeared to be a cumbersome, yet desired addition to Thompson's lunch.

Convinced he would have to use a container much larger bag, or, worse yet, tupperware container for the measly two remaining bread sticks, Thompson was all but defeated as he perused the cabinet below his sink. What he found, he could not believe.

"I was totally pumped," says Thompson, in the aftermath of his remarkably marquis mark on the morning.

His neighbor Mark, mockingly, was pumped too.

"Who has a Ziploc bag that's perfect for TWO breadsticks?! That's f******ng horse s*i*! I don't want to live next to a darned warlock"

When asked to comment, one warlock said - "Us warlocks love breadsticks more than anything. But I don't think any of us would even think of having a Ziploc bag just the right size for two breadsticks. The Jesse Thompson Story is nothing short of a miracle."

The warlock then added, "Oh yeah, and f*** that Mark guy. Us warlocks are damn good neighbors. And who says 'darned' after already saying 'f*c*in*' and 'h**se shit'?"

When news of the Jesse Thompson Story spread to the White House, President Obama yelled "Stop the presses!" for the first time since a 90's cartoon, and officially declared December 10th Jesse Thompson Day in honor of the most perfect accomplishment in the history of the United States.

"Jesse Thompson is a man we should all aspire to be. Supporting local business by purchasing slightly below average, neighborhood bread sticks. Conserving the remaining bread sticks. Then sporting the further dispirited and aged bread sticks in a petroleum based, highly commercialized product. The Jesse Thompson Story, ladies in gentleman, IS AMERICA."

And that is change we can believe in.

(The author of this article apologizes for not really ever getting to a point)