Sex- Scandal Surrounding Parents of Half a Dozen Babies

NEW JERSEY - There is a major sex- scandal surrounding the birth of half a dozen identical babies in Princeton, New Jersey. Wait ... I'm getting an update. Ok, it turns out sex is the prefix for six. The babies are sextuplets and there's no scandal involving the parents. The couple is happily married. White. Ok. Nevermind! Back to you Bob!

New Highway System to model Hot Wheels tracks

THE CONFEDERACY -  Plans are a brewing in Washington for loopdi-loops, jumps and magnetic strips to build up friction. Rub your car back and forth and get ready to let it rip, because there's a new highway system that models the childhood favorite Hot Wheels tracks.

The American Reinvestment and Recovery Act (ARRA) was signed into action in 2009, and has led to steady increases in paved roads and labor opportunities. It turns out the transportation provision has an extension to the ARRA "Pave every road" plan, which includes the approval for a life-sized Hot Wheels track in every state by the year 2016. The project is expected to start in the South, given the region's affinity for NASCAR, higher speed limits, and more open roads.

All roads will be painted yellow, of course, and will have very minimal guard rails to promote maximal carnage. This will allow more people to die (less freeloaders), more car fires (better TV, more firefighter jobs), and of course put the auto industry back to business to match the demand from all the car wrecks.

 Once this goes national, there's a good chance every passenger in America will need a roll cage, which will cause a boom in that industry too! So don't pollute our wetlands and watersheds, because they're now our bail out zones. Like break down lanes only much less practical.

This whole nation is going to be like Honey I Shrunk the Kid and Then He Turned Into a Ghost and Manufactured a Whole Bunch of Life Sized Hot Wheels Cars and Then Convinced Us To Drive Them Like Evil Gosh Darn Kenevil and Is Playing With Us Like His Toys Making Sounds Like Vroom Vroom But We Can't Hear Him Because He's On The Other Side, But Dogs Can Hear Him Because They're More In Touch With the Earth and Living and Non-Living Things... What You Don't Think That's True? Then How Can they Sense Death, HUH JEFF?!!Yeah Cats Can Do That Too But Cats Would Never Alert Us If There Were Ghosts So What's The Point? God You Suck Jeff,  or Honey I Shrunk the Kid 2 for short, if it was directed by Michael Bay instead of Randal Kleiser (with the kid showing two fingers like he's saying "I'm THIS many!").