America Voted Best Country in the Universe

U.S of A - The world is tired of measuring a nation's success by useless metrics such as Gross Domestic Product and life expectancy. How many people have access to clean water? How many people have access to health care? These are examples of stupid questions asked by stupid people.

The world wants to know which country is the absolute best. And what better way than the Princeton Review? The Princeton Review, known for its college rankings, is the most comprehensive polling system on the planet. It allows the same person to vote multiple times for a particular item.

The prestigious award of Best Country in the Universe deserves such a system that allows people who want it more to win. According to a mildly credible source on Yahoo answers, the average household has 2 computers, which has launched the United States to the top of the list.

Some people have suggested that the title "Best Country in the Universe" lacks any notion of humility and perpetuates its image as a narcissistic, self-indulgent land of infidels. But those people are probably just sore losers who were rooting for France to under frog its way through. No way Pierre!

The real way to determine who is the best is the Dunk Contest. And until someone can top Vince Carter's 360 Windmill, the red white and blue will stay on top. He was born in Daytona Beach where we burn up precious gasoline that we killed for in our automobiles for SPORT!

Yelling "Run Forrest Run" at joggers now legal equivalent to Murder

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Since the 1994 release of Forrest Gump, runners and casual joggers alike have heard one trite calling from passing cars followed by uproarious laughter.

Motorists have used it for over a decade to satisfy their desire for poking fun at those who run.
Now punishable by lethal injection and instant vigilante justice, "Run Forrest Run!" is taking to the hills.

Given the physical fitness of Representatives and Senators who have signed the bill, the legal action was most likely spearheaded by a disgruntled group of old and angry lobbyist-runners who have some favors and miles to cash in on.

With many more important political matters up in the air right now, it has been perfect timing for what would normally be a pretty controversial decision by the 112th United States Congress. "Most people haven't even noticed. The fact that we are legally advocating for vigilante killings of anyone who yells a pretty harmless, albeit hackneyed, saying is borderline unethical," believes Michigan Senator Carl Levin.

"Yeah, sure it's odd. But so is the spelling of my last name," added Speaker of the House John Boehner.

"I agree," additionally added Idaho Senator Mike Crapo.

Majority Leader of the Senate, Harry Reid has endorsed the bill by explaining, "Hey, two weeks left, f*** it!" With such infallible rationale it was useless explaining to Reid that there are in fact 11 weeks left before the 112th Congress is adjourned.

Though no plausible justifications for the bill have been found, runners sure are happy to hear about the old taunt going to heaven with Mama. Congress, appearing to be running on empty and running wild, (lyrics to the Jackson Browne song that plays in the background while Forrest runs across the country during the movie - I just assumed people wouldn't get the reference) is merely proud to have enacted something with some real balls to it.

Lil' Wayne and Mitt Romney team up for new single "Bind Women Get Money"

NEW YORK - Last night's presidential debate has started the biggest buzz for a new collaborative single and album since Kanye and Jay-Z's Watch the Throne. The people asking, they been searching, they been wondering when the binder gon' drop! Is it a Birdman? Is it a T-Pain? It's Romney-Weezy!

Since Mitt Romney's pronouncement last night that he has a "binder full of women", Romney and Wayne have been in the studio working on the new highly anticipated single "Bind Women, Get Money". It is expected to leak and go viral within the next week. The first hour of their introduction included throwing money at each other and discussing their personal methods for "bitches". They then got to drinking and freestyling, resulting in this excerpt being spit by GOP nominee:

There's no debate

I interrupt with persistence

Obama's my bro but

I'm the Bain Capital of his existence

The two have found more common ground than they anticipated. Lil' Wayne found out about polygamous marriage in the Mormon church and became an instant fan. They also discovered they may be able to fill some gaps in each other's fan bases.

Ever since passing Elvis Presley as the male with the most Billboard 100 hits, Wayne has met some opposition in the old white people niche. And Romney has always had trouble with African American populations for his lack of personality and concern for most social issues affecting minorities.

For now we have only to wait until the masterpiece single and hopefully album is produced. Young Money Cash Money will now be referred to as Young, Corrupt, and Invested Money That Will Double In Value Over Time. Other tracks suspected to appear on the album include, "Let the GDP Build", "Right Wing Above It", and a remix of Tha Carter IV's "Abortion".

Earthquake results in record number of fart jokes

HOLLIS, Maine - Houses rumbling. Phone calls disconnected. Dogs with raised ears and puzzled faces.

The recent 4.6 magnitude earthquake has certainly made its presence felt on the New England community in different ways. Many people reacted with suspicions of faulty boilers, incoming planes, or large passing automobiles. But in the Greater Bean town community, the musical fruit was just the scapegoat New Englanders wanted.


Flatulence humor has been funny among cultures since the beginning of time. Recordings of fart jokes can be traced back to Ancient Athens playwright Aristophanes in 5th century BC. They are even used my monumental figures in history, such as epic writer Homer, and even Benjamin Franklin, and they aren't going to stop now. As long as farting is impolite to do in formal settings it will continue its prominence as the body's and many comedians' best joke.

For New Englanders, this rare occasion [the earthquake] is the perfect opportunity to indulge in the past time yet again. Better yet, bouts of uncontrollable laughter are probably still impacting those who had actually passed gas between 7:11 and 7:12 p.m. local time. Many were possibly asked to cut the cheese for casual wine parties, making the all-too-available opportunity for someone to react with, "We didn't mean that kind!" One can only pray that someone was asked what kind of cheese they wanted on their burger or sandwich, and through some magic in the universe requested 'Fromunda cheese'.

Authorities have already reported a record number of 4,000 fart jokes called into local emergency numbers and news stations. Pictures of skid marks in whitey tighties have been submitted as the "culprit" of the rumblings.

When these incessant zingers will cess is unknown. One thing is for sure, this earthquake has allowed us all to laugh. It has also allowed us to question the structural integrity of our houses. Alright, so two things are for sure.

So thank you to the Beavis and Butthead of natural disasters, for being inconsequential yet meaningful. Hopefully you allowed one crazy uncle to rekindle the humor in the Pull My Finger gag, boys young and old to apologize for having baked beans for dinner, and one lucky man to deliver the funniest and scariest Dutch Oven ever.

Dunkin's Releases new Gallon-size coffee

CANTON, Ma. - Facebook, iPods, cell phones, tablets, and coffee. Over-stimulation is available in all shapes, colors, and sizes.

We have all seen it. The pair of women with their bug-eyed shades and tan skin cruising down the highway with an extra large coffee made Xtra Xtra into a milkshake. This is a staple, everyday occurrence to be seen in variations among high school and college students, construction workers, and the sleep-deprived, but self-medicated.

Yesterday Dunkin Donuts released its new option for those customers who are more advanced in their caffeine addiction. The gallon.


The steady increase in caffeine tolerances has induced a demand that appears to be limitless. This is a concept known as Coffee Inflation, which has made the status quo coffee order a hefty 20 to 24 oz dosage. Now, those who are ready to take their consumption to the next level have only to make a 42 ounce jump to the gallon.

Why such a huge jump to the gallon? Nigel Travis, CEO of Dunkin Donuts, has the answer, "We could have gone with a quart or even a 2 liter, but we like the gallon. It makes for a hilariously excessive injection into the blood stream." So there you have it, because it's excessive.

Wait, did he say injection? Freudian slip! Dunkins also plans on having a new area of the drive thru called the IV. Customers will have the option of having their caffeine introduced to their body much quicker through the popular intravenous therapy method used in hospitals. Ironically enough, IV's are often used to treat dehydration and coffee dehydrates the body. But let's be honest, anyone who is using this feature isn't overly concerned about his or her health.


The Gallon size will be priced in between the medium and large sized coffee. This more-for-less pricing is, along with the entire concept, also very questionable given that it encourages customers to buy a gallon of coffee instead of 20 ounces. "We hope this will encourage people to up their addiction," adds Travis preceding maniacally laughter.

The new Gallon and IV options are thought to be signs of corporate 'roid rage, a megalomania complex within a powerful organization. The slogan "America Runs on Dunkin" was formerly perceived as a slightly immodest but catchy tagline. Now people are wondering if it is merely harmless narcissism, or indicative of a power hungry quest for omnipotence.

One thing is for sure, dozens of doughnut loving denizens will now be getting their fix in record volumes.

If Dunkin' Donuts is able to take over the world, many are prepared to take it lying down with cream and sugar. Dunks is prepared to pump a gallon of their grandiose ethos into your blood glucose to dunk those dextrose-ridden do'ho's in. And do customers care? No. YOLO!