Two Friends have Extremely Mediocre Night at College

UNIVERSITY COLLEGE - Thursday nights at colleges favor those brave, bold, and thirsty souls who venture out into the wild. Their quest is one of laughter, intercourse, and/or inebriation, not necessarily in that order. And last night two souls went out salivating for such treasures.

Jeff and Brad are your run of the mill college students. They are sophomores majoring in Business from white, middle class families in the same state. They enjoy Dave Matthews Band, Boondock Saints, and intramural basketball.

Jeff and Brad (Jefrad) started their night off by having a few friends from freshman year come over to their room. They played Kings and drank Bud Light from 8 o'clock until about 9:30 PM. The inability to say the first names of other participants left many of the less advanced Kings players to consume disproportionately more alcohol than others.

Afterwards they left to go to a party one Kings participant had heard about at an on-campus apartment. The disproportionately drunk population on board made their 1 mile walk more taxing than anticipated. Upon their 10:30 arrival at the party the duo checked the printer paper list for Beirut, only to discover it had been completely filled. They flipped the paper over and started a continuation on the other side.

While waiting for game time, Jefrad indulged in a game of @$$hole for about an hour. During this Brad introduced his name, class, and major to four separate people and one person twice. Jeff had involved himself in a discussion with a fellow classmate about how vague their English professor has been about writing assignments.

Thanks to the obliviousness of a few queued up teams, Jefrad were able to play Beirut earlier than expected. They beat the other team by two cups after a clever bounce by Brad and a well-played "Island" call by Jeff. Jefrad won the next game easily against two girls who were having a difficult time remembering the game was still going on.

Once the game was over Jefrad, the party began clearing out with the priority of making it to the local _HOP pizza place. Accomplishments from their travel included one of the girls puking in a bush and two guys getting into a brief, verbal altercation. Jefrad abstained due to their tunnel visioned focus on the cheesy goodness of pizza.

To cap off the night they watched a guy get arrested and a couple argue, as they sat and ate their 'za across the street. Jefrad consumed 7 beers each on the night, had a glass of water before bed, remembered to take out their contacts, brushed their teeth, and didn't set their alarms.

They awoke, went to breakfast, and unleashed their tale of extreme mediocrity on the rest of the campus. The story has gone viral in the most remarkable way, given the absence of excitement or highlights to attract anyone into hearing it.

PepsiCo releases actual Haterade

UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA - For years people have requested that friends should stop sipping "Haterade" in order to reduce bouts of negativity. The metaphorical drink is thought to contain the venom and pessimism that fuels people to verbally deconstruct one another.

As the saying goes, it is easier to destroy than to build.

Well now the new product is hopping out of Looney Tunes land and into the real world and hopes to grease the wheels on the Skepticism SUV. Haterade contains all the essential bitamins and sinerals to re-energize and refuel a person to continue expressing hatred when others have quit.

"This new beverage has really helped my performance," touts Jim Rome, a particularly hate-filled ESPN talk show host. "Sometimes I think about constructively criticizing athletes, but then I realize I was never a professional athlete and don't have any practical advice. That's when I need Haterade the most."

Haterade has been an instant success in the market, especially with all the political angst fermenting among the American public preceding the November election.

The release of the new product and its resemblance to regular Gatorade begs the question: "What is the difference between Gatorade and Haterade?" It turns out, the answer is polarity.

Gatorade is often served at cool temperatures and helps revitalize athletes and rave ecstasy enthusiasts. Haterade is served at the temperature you find a bottle of water after you have left it in your car during a hot day in the summer for 8 hours, smelling equally of dissolved plastic. It is mostly served to angry men and women to help them project their insecurities onto the world around them. Gatorade contains a mixture of sugar, salt, water, and high fructose corn syrup. Haterade contains the same things, with equal parts urine and vinegar to balance out the sweetness. The urine and vinegar really help bring out the bitterness within drinkers.

With the increase in distribution of Haterade, more people than ever have made snide comments about Kevin Federline, Nickelback, or Sandlot 2. This trend has led Facebook to standardizing a 'Dislike' button to keep up with demand.

Haterade has also been the catalyst for a new era of film and music critic opportunities opening up at newspapers and magazines referred to as the "Pessimism Press". News sources are realizing that the fun and camaraderie of hating has displaced all previous cares about current events and learning new things.

"People just want to hate," growls Anthony Lane of the New Yorker.

The strike of Haterade lightning has electrified blogs and forums with news of how much Lebron James sucks despite being really good at what he does, and how Creed is the worst band of all time despite selling millions of records and winning a Grammy. No longer is it possible for people to simply enjoy what they enjoy. Now, whatever you enjoy most likely sucks.

Haterade can be found at any local grocery store by anyone hoping to ride the Disdain Train, the Dislike Bike, or the Hatred Hovercraft. Someday positivism may take over, but for now, somebody should cover Justin Bieber's ears.

Beaker named Sexiest Man Alive

LOS ANGELES - Beaker is on fire. And for once it's not at the hands of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, but rather, People magazine.

As an assistant scientist and test subject with a long history of withstanding dangerous experiments, Beaker's hotness can no longer be denied. After an underdog win in Facebook's poll for "Favorite Muppet" over Kermit and Animal, this former test dummy has the ladies saying 'meep-meep'.

His hotness is just finally climaxing among popular culture decades after The Muppet Show stopped airing on live television. People magazine has prematurely released its decision, which is usually announced in November, due to the high volume of excitement buzzing around the very manly Muppet of few words.

Ever since he teleported away with Czech model Petra Nemcova during A Muppet Christmas: Letters to Santa in 2008, Beaker has drawn attention from men and women all over the world.

"People want to know how he does it," says George Clooney, two time winner of the People magazine accolade. "It's easy for people to see why someone like me or the Brads [Cooper and Pitt] get the title. But Beaker ... he brings sexy to a new level."

His intelligence, shyness, and misfortune at the hands of science all contribute to his tender appeal. Also his renditions of such classics as "Ode to Joy", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", and "Feelings" alongside the Swedish Chef and Animal are demonstrations of his talent, range, and versatility.

Clooney went on to add, "People can sympathize with Beaker. His sufferings are numerous, but he always gets back up. And that's pure sex appeal. Also I think that Germ Enlarger worked on other things."

What Beaker conquers next is yet to be seen. Surely, hair growth formula won't be the only thing causing his head to bust open, insinuating that the designation of Sexiest Man Alive will be an ego boost, and definitely not anything sexual and crude.

Dolphin Echolocation becomes new Hipster sensation

THE OCEAN - The elusive hipsters; where do they go? What do they do? Most importantly, whom do they listen to?

The age of independent music and movies has bred litters of non-conformists all over the United States and the world. These people will listen to Rachmaninoff and then Tan Vampires just to prove that they can, or because their iPods are on shuffle. They yearn to know about bands whose sounds are immune to mainstream influence.

They crave authenticity.

For years the contemporary subculture has scoured underground scenes in clubs and coffee shops, on vinyl and 8track, and in Portlands both Oregon and Maine. Now, hipsters are taking it to a whole new level - sea level.

The intelligence and playful attitude of dolphins has long made them popular animals in human culture. Dolphins use their clicks for echolocation, which makes their sounds "super authentic".

"Dolphins aren't down there clicking around trying to find record deals. They click in order to locate and identify objects around them like food and turtles to prank. And that, my friends, is as real as music gets," says Simon Harper, editor for Clash magazine.

"Hipsters are tired of having to be depressed and listen to struggling bands talking about being unsure of things. Those are people problems. It's time to get back to nature. Time to get true, raw underground stuff. And what's more underground than the mother effing ocean?!"

This new breed of hipsters, known as Flipsters, has been growing along with the increase in hydrophonic recording technologies. Flipsters are thanking Poseidon for this growth in variety of raw sound to be heard in the ocean.

Dolphins make three categories of sounds, which include frequency modulated whistles, burst-pulse sounds, and clicks. The clicks increase in frequency when approaching an object of desire. These variations provide a wide range of dolphin acoustics.

"Hipsters love coming off as nerds and caring. So if they can learn to decipher and appreciate echolocation, they can earn mega hipster points. Which are redeemable at most thrift shops."

According to many Flipsters, some of these dolphins have a mean flow. A particularly loud 'fin on the scene right now goes by the name Cori Olis, who has been streaming internationally and had a major effect on the movement.

"Cori Olis clicks in a way that most people can't appreciate. He does it for the movement," says one elusory Flipster sitting below the docks with a hydrophone. "He orca-strates killer clicks that really speak to the fun loving being in all living creatures."

Further adding, "Yeah I did that on porpoise."

The latest on subterranean culture's Dolphin Echolocation scene can be found at marine record stores which are located pretty much nowhere.