Dude Drunkenly Uses All Three of his Genie Wishes

ORONO, Maine - We have just received word of a man in Orono, Maine who has uncovered a real magic lamp in the woods surrounding the University of Maine campus. James Robertson, age 19, the lucky young man, has been presented with the usual magic lamp offer, which includes three wishes.

Sources tell us that almost immediately upon being told about his wishes, Robertson asked the genie if he could get him some beer, despite already being inebriated. The genie responded, "I can get you anything. I'm a damn genie." Robertson then used his first wish on a 30-wrack of Bud Light. The genie reminded him that he could get anything, but was rudely interrupted with - "Shut up and get me the 30, genie!"

Much to his chagrin, the genie obliged and retrieved a 30-wrack of Bud Light.

Robertson and his two friends tried using the magic lamp as a bong, shook several cans up and cracked them open like champagne, and offered a few to two female passers-by of the promiscuous persuasion. The genie promptly reminded James that he cannot make them have sex with him.

As the night ended Robertson suddenly redeemed his last two wishes for pizza and to not have to go to his classes on Friday. Before bidding adieu to his master, the genie regarded Robertson as the worst wisher ever. The conversation went something like this:

Genie: "I've been doing this for millennia and you honestly have used your wishes so -"
JR: "Enough, already! I've seen this speech in Good Will Hunting"
Genie: "What? I'm not Robin Williams, I'm a real genie"
JR: "Yeah, right. If you were a real genie you would've gotten me something better than pizza, beer, and tomorrow's notes."
Genie: "YOU WISHED FOR THOSE -"
JR: "Heck you couldn't even get me laid"
Genie: "You suck"
JR: "Go suck on some spinach Popeye!"
Genie: "I'm NOT Robin Williams!"
JR: "Whatever"

That's all for now. This is The Skillet reporting live from Orono, Maine

Win Scrabble, Win Your Freedom: Local Neurosurgery Department steps up Discharge Game

BOSTON, Massachusetts - Boston, Massachusetts. Home to some of the best hospitals in the world. Mass General, Mass Eye & Ear, and Brigham and Women's are all ranked top 3 in their specialties in the nation according to U.S. News.

It takes innovative thinking to stay at the forefront of health care. It requires guts, intelligence, and, now, a board game.

Massachusetts General Hospital, which is ranked third in the nation in Neurology and Neurosurgery, requires a thorough analysis of brain trauma patients before their release. CT scans, MRIs, and motor skills are all reviewed in order to prevent premature discharges.

And now, they're stepping their game up.

Mass General, the Big Boston Brain Boss, is requiring all head trauma patients to beat their attending physicians and nurses in a game of Scrabble in order to ensure their cognitive capacity.

"We really want to start taking patient releases seriously. Too often brain trauma patients leave hospitals after a few lousy tests. I forget why we even do them. It's time for a fresh start."

Doctor Robert Lawrence Martuza, Chief Physician of the Department of Neurosurgery at Mass General, issued this complaint and has sought to start anew. He believes that if patients are well enough to beat their attending medical team in Scrabble, then they have beaten their brain trauma.

"The process has been absolutely great for our staff," says Dr. Martuza. "People don't like tests. And they don't like tests being explained to them. It's too uncomfortable, and people don't feel involved in the process. What is there not to understand about using the word EXEQUY on a triple word? You just got owned and THAT'S your explanation for why you can't leave! We're putting patients in the game!"

Despite the positive response from the Neurosurgery staff, some patients have issued complaints with the new screening tool. "It's hard to beat physicians in a game of Scrabble. Even without a concussion. They are usually pretty smart," says an anonymous patient.

Martuza is well aware of the resistance to the new method. "Sure we have considered the cognitive difficulty level to defeat doctors and nurses in Scrabble. But we want to take these patients and their injuries seriously. We want to give them time, not rush them. Finally you have to remember, all these complaints are coming from brain trauma victims, so what are they really worth? Maybe 20 points on a double word at the max. Most of them can't even remember the Republican nominee in the recent election."

"It hurts," said one patient after seeing Dr. Martuza play ZEBRA on a corner. "Then get better!" was his response.

Whether or not the Scrabble Screen is considered a best-practice is yet to be determined. But for now, the medical community is taking notice and the 8 points that comes with it (N,O,T,I,E = 1 pt each + C=3pts = 8 total).

You heard me. Take notice Rest of the World! Boston, the best of the best in medical science has set the precedent. Since all of you are inferior to us Bostonians, you'd better do what we do.

What?

What do you mean the Mayo Clinic, Johns Hopkins Hospital, and the Cleveland Clinic are ranked higher than Boston hospitals in most areas?

F*** you!

Go ahead, go to Cleveland! The Drew Carey Show sucked anyways! Okay, I didn't mean that, I liked the Drew Carey Show. Ok. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks. I love you too. Goodnight mom.