Internet Comment Wins Election for Romney

THE INTERWEB MACHINE - With many impending debates, campaign phone calls, and profoundly expensive television spots to come, one man decided to put an end to Election Season early.

On June 21st, 2012 at 9:08 PM, Nikko Nama of Fresno, California commented on an L.A. Times article and changed the fate of the election.

"I have always believed in the freedom of speech. And in the internet age, everyone has a voice. Or at least a keyboard," says campaign expert David Brooks of the NY Times. "But what Nama has done is unprecedented. His comment on the internet was so good it literally won the election."

The L.A. Times post was an interactive map of swing states, which provided commentary and data about each swing state's voting history. The article proved to be a worthy battleground, beckoning a cavalcade of Democratic and Republican angst to duke it out for comment supremacy. But when the HTML-smoke cleared, Nikko Nama was the last man logging off.

"He used caps lock in a way I've never seen before. It emphasized his points so perfectly. And the way he alternated between using punctuation and then not... simply genius!"

Brooks went on to write an article titled "Dullest Campaign Ever", in the aftermath of Nama's campaign defining comment. "It's just not interesting anymore. We all know after Nama's comment that there is no chance for Obama to pull it off. How can he, one man, overpower the Internet? It's not possible."

Since Nama's comments on June 21st, Obama and his advisers have unofficially brandished white flags. David Axelrod, Obama's Chief Political Advisor, is already content with throwing the campaign to the wind. "We have several debates and talks that we are contractually and financially obligated to fulfill. But if it weren't for that, we'd all be home sleeping in our beds right now."

Axelrod pointed out specific parts in Nama's post that were deadly to the campaign, such as - "If it [the economy getting worse] continues, Barack will LOSE BIG on november 6th 2012." And - "If greece or even europe's crises gets worse, it will be very bad for OBAMA and totally out of his control."

And here's the dagger, Axelrod says with a grimace. "If the economy dont improve from now until November, Barack Obama is in VERY SERIOUS trouble."

With over a decade in campaign experience, Axelrod's planning was no match for this level of online commentary. "Since June his comments have snowballed into a juggernaut of rhetorical destruction annihilating any HOPE we may have had left. We have nothing left to do but shake hands and say 'Good game' in November".

The Romney Camp is grateful for Nama's post and has decided to send the remaining $100 million in campaign funding to him for sealing the victory.

http://graphics.latimes.com/2012-election-electoral-map/

Annual Bias and Stereotype Conference plans to create new fun stereotypes

AUSTIN, TEXAS - Mexicans are landscapers ... elephants are afraid of mice ... black people like fried chicken and grape drink

We have all encountered these stereotypes, which perpetuate old and tired images. They have fueled an epidemic of bad movies, ignorant people, and awkward silences. Now one group sets to put an end to it.

"We need an entirely new lexicon of stereotypes. And we plan to fight nonsense with nonsense," barks Buckwheat Germasterson, the Chairman of the Annual Bias and Stereotype Conference. The latter part of his comment being the new mission of the organization - Fighting Nonsense with Nonsense. "We want our new stereotypes to make very little sense and we want them to spread like germs."

Stereotypes that are up for nomination include: "Mexicans love trampolines", "Gay people are deadly with silly string" and "White people are the worst gum chewers".
With enough marketing power, the Annual Bias and Stereotype Conference believes they can make these and many other stereotypes stick.

"In past conferences we just watched episodes of Mind of Mencia and House of Payne until our eyes bled. We were lulled into a hibernation of contentment. We now realize how terrible television and daily humor have gotten in terms of tired stereotypes."

Gallup polls indicate that more people than ever (68%) identify themselves as tired of contemporary stereotypes, while the rest identified as "What stereotypes?" (20%), or thrilled (12%). These numbers have been shifting steadily for the last 20 years, with a three year "hick-up" during the Blue Collar Comedy Tour's popularity height.

"It's time to wake up you drunken Irishmen" says Germasterson.  "Oh right, sorry about that." The conference this weekend has an extensive list of presenters who have prepared what they believe to be the great new stereotypes of tomorrow. And with their help hopefully we can get people to believe in not wearing flannel before Flag Day, that homeless people only use money for animal crackers, and women only want to steal your nose and eat it.

The Annual Bias and Stereotype Conference is being held this weekend at a nameless diner in Austin, Texas starting Saturday at 9 am, but the Arabs won't show up until 10 or so. Submissions to the Annual Bias and Stereotype Conference are encouraged.

Scientists discuss creating real Incredible Hulk

BOSTON - Yesterday after a long fruitless search for a Hepatitis C vaccine, local Boston medical scientists began discussing the plausibility of creating a real Incredible Hulk. "You know like the one from the comic books that Ed Norton played," needlessly added one kiss ass Harvard Medical student.

The discussion was sparked after Massachusetts General Hospital researcher and Harvard Medical School professor Dr. Raymond Chung was questioned for creating a hepatitis C vaccine that is "unethical". The frequent road blocks in the quest for an appropriate vaccine has made the allure of a new and mostly irrelevant Hulk, Incredible Vaccine now referred to as HIV, utterly irresistible.

"There's no reason why we couldn't do it," says Chung. "We have enough knowledge and resources to develop it - BOOM supply! All we need is the demand - BOOM! Who doesn't want a Hulk Vaccine?" With that bout of economic logic the conference of journalists and researchers all agreed that a Hulk Vaccine would indeed be "Totally awesome".


A couple stiff critics with forgotten or nonexistent childhoods asked, "What practical usage could the Hulk Vaccine provide?" This question was met with a roar of laughter and teasing by the medical community, even those not present at the conference. Dr. Chung easily refuted this argument by suggesting, "What practical usage doesn't a Hulk Vaccine provide? Nerd!"

"Well what if your wife is one of those moods where she's being a complete torpedo bitch. Just destroying everything in her path on her way to you? It would be great to just Hulk out and roar at her. You know, just so she calms down and you can escape. Then you could totally say, 'Sorry honey I was Hulking out' and she'd have to be cool with it." added one researcher who wanted to remain anonymous for obvious reasons.

As various sounds of agreement filled the room, the discussion persisted until it was decided that a Hulk Vaccine would be the new top priority for medical science. Though some scientists mentioned that this may look like a really weird cop out of finding a Hepatitis C vaccine, those scientists were slapped, called rats, and repeatedly offered cheese until they shut their mouths.

The conference will reconvene next Tuesday with a live clinical trial on local steroid users.

Obama Balks in Backyard Baseball Game

WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama was called for balking this weekend at a White House pick up baseball game. Secretary of Treasury Timothy Geithner was, "utterly confused", as he was on first base planning to steal second given catcher Joe Biden's notoriously weak throw-down abilities.

Political columnist Robert Worth of the New York Times called this a "balk" as he was the elected umpire of the game. He was conveniently spying in the bushes and they needed someone who was "unbiased". Members of the cabinet thought the balking call was a bit much given the casual nature of the game.

The hesitation caused a ripple of whispers all the way to outfielders Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama. When asked to comment, the first lady shook her head in disbelief and said, "He needs to stop being afraid of his fastball." The slip-up gave Geithner free access to second base, which put him in scoring position with power hitter Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta up to bat.

"At that point I was sure he was just going to intentionally walk Panetta," confessed Biden, game name "Vice Biddy". But when Vice Biddy put his glove out wide, the former Chicago senator shook his head with confidence. He then walked over to the iMove playing on the lawn and changed the song to "Wild Thing" by The Troggs as an ode to the famous Major League character Rick Vaughn. Teammates and opponents alike described the moment as, "Pretty cool".

Vice Biddy then put down his index finger, and with a Charlie Sheen winning nod the incumbent prepared to enact the Green Stinky Cheese Bill of 2012. With Panetta licking his chops at the thought of being fed one of Obama's meatballs, the game took on a new level of intensity. Obama's delivery went wildly left and broke one of the White House windows. After a brief period of sincere laughter and jocularity, forgotten emotions by all, the group decided to switch to whiffle ball.