Man makes Homemade Falafel, Discovers Nirvana

BOSTON, Ma. - Only moments ago, Jim Davis, age 32, successfully made homemade falafel without the assistance of a recipe.

The result: Enlightenment.

"Nothing is permanent. Except for the awesomeness of my home made, no recipe, debut falafel" commented Davis.

The recent finder of profound peace has since left his day job as a computer programmer to open a dojo-grill called Pita Paul and Mary.

"We will meditate, make falafel, eat falafel, and repeat."

Scripture will solely consist of Davis' journal entry post-falafel. "It'll be like Church if it had a true back story," boasts Davis.

Celebrities like Bill O'Reilly have already committed to the new falafel-sophy.

Disciples of the developing nirvana-based religion will be able to contribute to it's creation.

They will be encouraged to make their own falafel, without recipes, and to eat them in bliss.

These journal entries will create the ever-developing New Tahiniment.

"Our falafel is shaped by what we love. A pathless path of tastiness awaits us."

Boston Men No Longer Allowed to Use Bathrooms, Soon the World

BOSTON, Ma. - In the recent performances by Bean Town's beloved hockey team, men have taken to the bathrooms with increased urgency. This urgency has significantly decreased the accuracy of male bathroom goers.

Thus the City of Boston has placed a surprisingly uncontroversial, permanent ban on men's bathrooms.

"Men in general have very little use for bathrooms. And given recent sporting events and our history with public urination, we're at a tipping point where we're just saying 'F*** IT! No more bathrooms, guys!" says Mayor Tom Menino.

Cities around the country have considered such measures not only profoundly logical, but politically rewarding.

"With women's pay and overall rights still not quite up to what it should be, we figure giving them twice as many bathrooms is just a great PR move for society in general," says Barack Obama.

With the "Cradle of Liberty" soiled with the digestion of Beantown's excremental actions, the world looks on at its dirty water to see if such bowld movements ignite a golden shower of innovation for the world.

Yeah.

'Lady of the Night' now means Female Ninja

BOSTON - With women's rights moving in a positive direction, many tired sayings have been put under the social knife and slowly castrated. Who just cringed? I know I did.

One such saying being 'Lady of the Night', which is one of the more confusing movie plots you can read on Wikipedia, but more pertinently is a synonym for a prostitute. Now the saying is going for something a little less derogatory and more badass.

"Feminists agree that women need to start referring to each other as ninjas a lot more. It really promotes an element of badassery that is lacking in the collective identity of women," says Gene Simmons (not the musician), a party leader in the underground caverns of Worldwide Women Domination planning.

Referred to as kunoichi female ninjas are trained in ninjutsu similarly to men. The vital difference being specialized training in using their additional orifice.

The literal translation of kunoichi being "nine plus one", with the plus one referring to the vagina.

"Yes, so the idea of a female ninja using her vagina as a weapon sounds not too different from a prostitute. We understand this. But we are okay with the idea of a women taking control of the night, using all of her faculties to partake in traditionally male pastimes such as espionage, assassinations, and sabotage."

So move over Norma Shearer, Lucy Lui is the new Lady of the Night. Is that racist and sexist? The terminology is too new to really know for sure.

Sequester? More like Suck-quester! Am I right? ...

Washington, D.C. - Animals all around the US have been muttering and making smug faces at the impending ugliness of sequestration.

Or as one sagely homo sapien put it - "Sequester? More like suck-quester!" due to the sucky nature of the entire ordeal.

The profound insight of such a comment is only surpassed by its sweeping acceptance.

Many have made public outcry over national park closures and staffing issues that will develop from the national spending cuts.

Luckily it won't be only animals and people-animals who love visiting nature that suffer.

"Naw, not just innocent animals. Poor women, infants, and children who need medical and housing assistance, old people, and the mentally handicapped will lose support. Hopefully this will teach them to not be so poor and handicapped! Ha!" says House Speaker John Boehner.

In The Skillet's never ending search for the most accurate news conceivable, we reached out to social dignitary Kanye West to comment on the effects of sequestration, Proposition 8, and all things government in order to put this whole mess together.

"I heard 'em say that nothing's ever promised tomorrow today. The real matrimony is with money and yeah they tryna break the marriage up."

And with this no light was really shed on the subject, but The Skillet got to hang out with 'Ye for about 5 minutes, which was worth it.

It's FR*CK*N'! SNOWING!

EVERYWHERE - It's frickin' snowing!

Meteorologists, psychologists, and Scientologists have all set aside their unclear differences and agreed to the fact that it is indeed snowing outside.

"Seriously, it is" says a person who has eyes and is standing outside and who knows what snow is.

The Israeli and Pakistani governments have even agreed to interrupt thousands of years of conflict for the beloved American past time of using the weather as small talk.

"It's quite refreshing actually," says Pakistani leader Something O'Rother.

"Instead of addressing the fact that our countries have a difference in core beliefs, I'd much rather make small talk and act like there's nothing wrong.

The Skillet has reason to believe that it will stop snowing at some point. But for now, it ... is snowing.

News sources report no news to report

Washington, D.C. - Local and national news sources have been on the horn with each other all weekend to figure out what news there is to report.

Their report?

Nothing.

"With such little to report, it seems like we should be reporting this. But that might defeat the point of our jobs" says mogul Rupert Murdoch.

News organizations across the country have thus agreed to take the first day off in news history.

"We are not going to report anything!" they announced in their latest issues.

After realizing their contradiction, the entire news industry went back to sleep knowing that tomorrow is another day.

Maniac puts 3 packets of Swiss Miss in hot chocolate

Washington, D.C. - This morning, at 8:57 AM EST, David Johnsons put 3 --- count them --- 3 packs of Swiss Miss powdered hot chocolate in his morning hot chocolate.

Such gluttonous consumption of Swiss Miss is a new level for the human race.

When asked to comment on such a maniacal act - "No remorse" - was all Johnsons had to say.

"I've never seen such reckless disregard by a living being before," says eye-witness Dave M from finance.

"And now people are talking about how 'Dave' put 3 packets of Swiss Miss in his hot chocolate. David J! Not Dave M! I can't be associated with that level of anarchy."

The local public health department was notified by the office staff of the wild and crazy Dave who put three packets of Swiss Miss in his hot chocolate. They immediately dispersed all available units for damage control.

An initial report speculates that Johnsons is or at least believes himself to be Count Chocula. Given each Swiss Miss packet contains as much calcium as an 8 oz. glass of milk, the CDC has issued publications on the dangers of calcium deposits in anticipation of copycats.

God help us all.

Nutella admits to putting crack cocaine in their spread

Washington, D.C. - Ferrero International, maker of the household product Nutella, has just confessed to the general public that there is indeed crack cocaine in their delicious hazelnut spread.

The news has been taken with pure, unadulterated relief.

"I was worried that I had a serious personal issue to deal with. An addiction to a very addictive drug is much easier to substantiate" says Skillet correspondent Tim Mallard.

With thousands of addictions now justified, supermarkets have observed a major surge in Nutella sales.

"It's almost apocalyptic. People are running in here taking Nutella off the shelves like zombies looking for Nutella. I've seen 12 stabbings today," says Safeway supermarket manager Todd Greenger.

Admonishment has been surprisingly nonexistent for the high level of unethical and illegal activity conducted by Ferrero International. Policymakers and consumers alike have all agreed to look passed this minor detail in order to continue making their morning oatmeal as delicious as possible.

Even Barack Obama approves:

"You know we would ordinarily want to outlaw and actively restrict access to anything containing highly addictive, unhealthy, and illegal substances such as crack cocaine. But in the case of Nutella, I'm afraid we can't. Who's going to tell the American people they can no longer have Nutella? Sure as hell ain't going to be me. Frankly, I think that crack just got grandfathered into America via Nutella."

Sexy ass Nutella eaters get their fix

Since the unveiling of Nutella's secret ingredient, Chinese food restaurants across the United States have admitted to lacing their meals with THC and Washington has thus allowed for marijuana to be legalized too.

"What, you think I can get rid of Chinese food in the US? You kidding me?" says Barack Obama in his best Jim Mora impression before adding, "We'd be lucky to win a game!" which held no coherence to the press conference, but was nevertheless an enjoyable Jim Mora tribute.

The largest issue with the news has been coining a term for Nutella addicts. With the surname 'heads' already being attached to pot, crack, and meth, The Skillet has elected for the term Nuts-ella.

"Like culs-de-sac" says Mallard.

Like culs-de-sac.

More hookers funnier than less hookers

WASHINGTON, D.C. - People want their bucks to bang, and in the world of hookers, quantity is the power bottom.

Often the go-to for making fun of powerful and/or desperate men, hookers are the relief of anybody looking to turn a comedy trick of the mouth.

But one may wonder, how do you make jokes about hookers funnier?

The Skillet studied this question thoroughly by watching 15 minutes of cable television.

The answer? More.

"People find more hookers funnier than less hookers. The number of hookers a person encounters is directly proportional to how desperate they are and how shameful they should be. Other people's desperation and shame are hilarious to us," says former soulless ET correspondent Mark Steines.

"If you have 1 hooker in your bedroom, okay. Kind of funny, kind of sad. 10 hookers? Hilarious! 100 HOOKERS?! Are you kidding me? How did you fit 100 hookers in one bedroom? Picture them piling out like a clown car of indulgence and self-loathing. It's comedy gold!" says Skillet correspondent Patton Oswalt.

People of all ages love to joke about hookers. Most just think 'hooker' has a ring to it. Especially old people.

"Of course I love hookers. Why do you think I helped traffic so much crack through this country in the 80's? To help kill off those stupid Sand-o-ricans or whatever they were called, sure, but more importantly so we could say CRACK WHORES!" says Clair George, Chief of the CIA during the Reagan administration.

"Crack whores! Hilarious!" added George.

Prostitution allows for women who have little money and resources to feel even less self-worth than they already have. Which in America is just fantastic.

How many hookers is the perfect amount of hilarity?

"237" says Patton Oswalt. "238 is just too many hookers"

So for those with aspirations of making ET level quips this weekend, remember the 237-rule of hookers.

Hackneyed not a hackneyed word

WASHINGTON, D.C. - hack·neyed
Adjective
(of a phrase or idea) Lacking significance through having been overused.

Synonyms
trite - banal - commonplace - threadbare - platitudinous

With so many words, it is surprising that people tend to use the same ones. But we do. Even 'trite' borders on being commonplace. Get it? It's a synonym joke.

Convenience, familiarity, and simplicity are in favor of reusing overused blabber. But The Skillet had a conversation about words (while using words, so meta) that are not overused with a man that uses them daily.

We asked former basketball star Jamal Mashburn if he thought people used the word 'hackneyed' too much.

Know what he said?

"No"

Well there you have it folks. Jamal Mashburn thinks hackneyed is not a hackneyed word. So go ahead, use it today, but not too much. Or else Jamal Mashburn will dunk on your grandmother and sleep with your girlfriend.

Just kidding, Jamal Mashburn respects women.

'Nickelback sucks' now as cool as yelling 'Play Freebird'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Nickelback has risen steadily in popularity since "How You Remind Me" kicked it on TRL's top 10 back in 2001. They have continued on with stellar record sales grossing over 50 million albums worldwide.

But outside the sales, the band has become a target of infamy rather than praise.

'Nickelback sucks' has consequently become a saying as original and funny as heart attacks and clowns. Experts are calling it the new equivalent to yelling 'Freebird' at a concert, which ended its reign of witty things to say at a concert somewhere in the 80's.

'Freebird' or 'Play Freebird' has since been beaten worse than a Rihanna reference. (Double entendre?)

Much like the swift, righteous crowd of groaning after being yelled by The Skillet at a Mountain Goats concert, it is now becoming social contract for groans, sighs, or general complacency to be the 'Nickelback sucks' reflex.

In an attempt to keep negativity moving, social law makers are litigating to stop the piss and vinegar from getting in the holy water. (What?)

Google is being asked to defer searches for 'Nickelback', or 'Nickelback sucks' to recipes for zucchini bread in hopes for a more delicious general public.

This Zucchini Bread Intervention is considered a best-practice anti-hatred campaign based on nothing but the deliciousness of zucchini bread. I mean look at that friggin picture and tell me you don't want some of that.

But it's easy to be reminded of how they really are, being one of the most highly reviled things in current existence.

Public Policy Polling even used Nickelback as a metric of comparison to evaluate the popularity, or lackthereof, of Congress among the American people. Other metrics of comparison used in this nationally distributed report (linked here) were lice, colonoscopies, root canals, and Genghis Khan (a guy who massacred millions of people for pure power).

The contagion of hatred being what it is, Americans have jumped on to the badmouth bandwagon, and many open mic comedy crowds have been the victims of this uninsightful babble.

With the Zucchini Bread Intervention in place, these silly Canadians have reason to be waiting on a different story. Someday, somehow, they might make it right, but not right now.

Until then the power chords of their hearts will be worth breaking just like Rebecca Black's and the Insane Clown Posse's. Even if the zucchini bread doesn't stop people from complaining about Nickelback, you still get zucchini bread. And that's a world worth fighting for.

Wait, Bernie Mac is dead?!

2008 - Wait, so Bernie Mac is dead? One of the Kings of Comedy. How did no one tell us about this? Dude dies at 50 and there wasn't a big concert on TV to benefit whatever he died from?

Pneumonia!? It had complications with his what?! Sarcoidosis?! What the h-e-double hockey sticks is that?

So you're telling me that Bernie Mac, Frank Catton from Ocean's Eleven, is dead and no one told The Skillet?!

A hilarious dude who was in Friday and Booty Call dies, and it doesn't make national headlines? What the F*** is wrong with this country? Okay so, because Don Cheadle was at his wedding I'm supposed to feel better about this?! F*** YOU!

So wait, just to verify, Chris Rock's older brother in Head of State, Buster from How to be a Player, and Bernie Mac from The Bernie Mac Show is dead?!

This sucks.

There is actually enough time in the day, Scientists discover

UTAH - Days. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!

For decades people have made claims that days are not long enough. Many people have taken up formal complaints with their computer monitors and spouses about the lack of time they seem to possess. But scientists in Utah have just discovered that there is exactly the right amount of time in a day.

"Some people might feel like their days go by too quick, so they think they have less total time in their day than they would like," says Utah resident Karl Malone.

The scientists recorded and studied an entire day of 200 participants' lives in a recent study that lasted 24 hours. Their results were astonishing. John Stockton, the Principal Investigator of the project, has provided us the recap:

"We double-blinded the participants and how their day was to be measured. The result was 100 observed occurrences of day duration equaling 1440.00 minutes, and 100 equaling 86400.00 seconds (SD=0.0, V=0.0). Then we compared our findings with Wikipedia's definition of a day , and it turned out to be accurate. There was in fact enough time in their days."

 With any major scientific breakthrough comes the harsh realization of what's really reality.

"Realistically, we know we have enough time, we just don't want to deal with the fact that we aren't managing our time to our contentment. Our anxiety and stress lead us to hyperbolize our own inadequacies, using days as the scapegoat. Our should I say, scape-day! Ha!" believes Utah social scientist Jeff Hornacek.

The Skillet comes dangerously close to posting on its work Facebook account

Hagel in the news making readers hungry for bagels

PENTAGON - The announcement of Senator Chuck Hagel's upcoming appointment as the new Secretary of Defense is expected to have several major consequences. A drastic reduction in military spending, major changes in foreign interventions, and millions hungry for bagels.

"All I can think of is getting a bagel with cream cheese, lox, and salmon every time I hear the name Hagel. The name Hagel is way too close to bagel!" said one very Jewish Time reader.

Speaker of the House John Boehner is infuriated. "It's almost lunch time! And all everyone in America can think of is bagels! This is anarchy!"

Presses have ceased printing articles with Hagel's name, at least until after lunch. But for now, The Skillet wants a Defense Secretary Everything Hagel with Pesto.

Blitzen tests positive for doping, Christmas doesn't count

NORTH POLE - Blitzen, one of Santa's nine fabled reindeer, has recently tested positive for doping.

There has been a sharp outcry from the reindeer community regarding the testing.

"Rudolf is just the front man, the cover boy. If you need to get sh*t done in the reindeer community, you go to Blitzen" says Donner.

Blitzen's results may have an impact far greater than the embarrassment of the North Pole.

"With Blitzen testing positive for doping, there is a good chance the entire Christmas of 2012 will have to be stripped. All the presents burned or otherwise destroyed. Everything goes." says the Meister Burger.

Santa neglected to comment on the allegations.

Hermey the Elf was able to shed some light on the situation.

"Well if you know anything about the Reindeer, you know that it's dog-eat-dog. They literally eat the ones that can't fly. And Blitzen tested for blood doping. It's very likely that he just ate a brother or sister of his that has his same blood type, which has caused an increase in his red blood cells. The dude's a brute. But he gets things done."

Chinese banker Kahnu Mi falls off actual cliff

Los Angeles, Calif. - Kahnu Mi of Santa Monica, California fell of an actual cliff while hiking Mt San Antonio on New Years Day.

Authorities have not yet responded because they still think it's a prank call or simply an uninformed caller.

Mi, a 34-year old Chinese-American banker, was hiking with his Austrian co-worker Tags Heichs. Mi fell over Heichs while trying to take a picture of a bald eagle flying by. Heichs was laying down trying to recover from their recent ascent.

Heichs reported, "Kahnu's fall was actual pretty mild, but it was hard to get him out of the ditch by myself. So I called my friend Spencer Cutts who was hiking that same day, but he didn't feel like helping us out. He actually hiked over just to point at Kahnu and laugh."

The emergency responder who took the call responded with disbelief, "Ya sure a guy named Kahnu Mi falls off a cliff. And I got the call from a guy named Tags Heichs. What would you do?"

Kahnu seems to be struggling given the lackluster effort on Cutts' part. We will report back with a status on his recovery process.

Man makes millions selling Awesome Resolutions

INTERNET - New Year's Resolutions are usually pretty lousy. The only thing worse than having to come up with your own is listening to other people's.

Well this year, in true capitalist fashion, David Ausenburg, aged 24, sold "non-crappy" resolutions for $20 a piece. The end result was over 250,000 resolutions sold, totalling well over $5 million in revenue.

Ausenburg, having distributed his product electronically, collected pure profit from the business venture. Forbes and Fortune magzine have already reserved interviews with the man who has achieved the American Dream in less than 24 hours.

"It was really easy, I just had them fill out a survey and it automatically generated resolutions that didn't suck and sent them to their e-mail address," says Ausenburg.

"Most people received 'similar' resolutions."

In lieu of the hackneyed determinations to lose weight, save money, and spend more time with friends and family, Ausenburg has his customers doing the Most Awesomest Things ever.

"I just took the top rated items from the website MostAwesomestThingEver.com and made resolutions around them."

The most common resolutions involved learning how to travel through time, how to teleport, and eat as much pizza as you can.

One happy customer reports, "I am pumped with my resolution. Instead of having a stupid one, now I have to buy a laser gun. Like the one from GoldenEye. I don't know if they make them, but I'll sure as heck find out."

Wall Street is anticipating a spike in komodo dragon and jetpack sales. Hate or love Ausenburg's success, he has undoubtedly made the prospect of 2013 way awesomer than 2012. So sleep in to your new job as a ninja, because things are looking up in the new year.