Mortal Kombat becoming popular Termination Policy

CHICAGO - "Finish Him!", "Your soul is mine!", and "Get over here!" are some of the more quotable lines from the classic video game Mortal Kombat. And now these quotes are being used by video game enthusiasts and human resources departments alike.

The new Mortal Kombat Policy has been adopted by several major corporations and small businesses throughout the United States. The new policy embraces a "hands-on" approach when terminating employees. This policy has been allowing upper management to get back back B to work faster than ever.

"It's been a fantastic addition to our work place. There is so much less wining now," says an early adopter of the new policy. "We used to hear out everyone's concerns. Now if they come to us with a problem, we just make them fight for their soul."

The system has cut down tremendously on paper and costly severance packages. What used to be a helping hand to get you back on your feet is now a crouched uppercut waiting to send you through the roof.

"Our employees are definitely on their best game now. They know that if they have any issues they had better have a good special move or fatality to back it up."

OSHA tried to intervene in the process, but they were quickly informed that the Elder Gods had already ruled for Mortal Kombat in Earthrealm and there was nothing they could do. The denizens of each department are allowed to rule the other departments only after consecutively defeating 10 of their best Monday warriors.

After losing several good employees who happened to be not so good at fighting for their lives, several of the companies have substituted the hand to hand combat portion for efficiency evaluations and productivity reports. The loss of souls however is still inherently included.

The policy has resulted in many professional fighters and formerly imprisoned murderers to be given high up positions in major organizations. Apple has just hired Jean-Claude Van Damme as their new Chief Operating Officer. That way if anyone challenges upper management, they're going to have to do it through Lionheart.

Don't Stop Believing becomes new National Anthem

DENVER - Tonight, after the Presidential debate, both Governor Romney and President Obama came out together to voice their agreement on the most important and pressing matter of this campaign. They changed the United States National Anthem to "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.

The presidential race has always been an inherently divisive stage for two men. It became clear to the two candidates that they needed some common ground to unify them for the sake of their own humanity. That way, if either one loses, they can still say, "Hey I didn't even win and I got something done!" - like an election souvenir to put in history and scrap books.

The candidates met at a local D.C. dive bar to discuss what they thought would be a sure fire hit. Like Britney Spears and Madonna making out, they needed something that all Americans [who love pop culture] could get behind.

They had unknowingly stumbled upon serendipitous gold in short wire skirts.

It was Karaoke Night at the Fox Hole and there were all of 10 people in attendance. The set list had consisted of two separate attempts at Bob Seger classics that both ended with, "well you know the rest".

But just as the owner was about to break down the "stage" and equipment, two drunken heroines busted down the gates of fate and slurred their way into immortality.

The two women ambushed the stage and took hostage of the microphone with only one demand ... to not stop believing.

The two held on to that feeling until the street lights and people gave in to those lyrics which are deeply embedded into every American's brain. The desolate crowd of 10 turned into a booming orchestra with the power of 13! Each browning out truck driver and accountant drowning their sorrows in liquid courage allowed the little voice inside of their hearts to be heard - the voice that tells you to never give up. To never stop believing. And to voice it through the majesty of song!

Obama and Romney were in mutual shock and awe of the moment they had been a part of. Music had ignited the fires in this fledgling karaoke crowd, why couldn't they do that to a nation?

With the obvious staleness of our current anthem unquestioned, the two nominees raced home to their families and shared the great news. After the debates there would be a new National Anthem and it would be something people had already been forced to know and love by some cruel requirement of social law.


When the debate was through, we saw the two families smiling and enjoying each others company. What were they talking about? Doing a Journey song at a karaoke bar afterwards of course.

So Republican or Democrat, black or white, Blood or Crip, we can all leave this debate knowing one hard truth. "Don't Stop Believing", the top selling track in iTunes history, the karaoke staple, is now the sound of our nation.

Pinky and the Brain Finally Succeed in Taking over the World

Through Brain's strategic investments with his Warner Brothers money and Pinky's natural people skills, Pinky and the Brain have succeeded in their nightly mission to take over the world.

After Pinky and the Brain ceased airing new episodes, Brain began full time work in currency trading with major transnational corporations, acquiring major shareholdings in several along the way under the guise of Carlos Slim Helu. Pinky provided an affable distraction for investors.

What does this mean for the rest of us?

We know that Pinky and the Brain were witty and entertaining on television. However, this pandering to our funny bones was likely influenced by their Warner Brothers obligations. Given that these two creatures have undergone many scientific experiments that have left them bitter and determined enough to take over the world, they may not be the comically communistic commensals we would hope for.

Luckily with help from the television series, we know that Ivan Pavlov trained Brain to sing "I'm a little tea pot" at the sound of a gong and Pinky does a Cossack dance at the sound of a bell. Knowledge of these conditioned responses could be used to remove the two from power if necessary. But for now, the general public are a bunch of curious cats about what the duo can do.

One school of thought is that, when uninhibited by Warner Bros network, Pinky and the Brain may be infinitely more successful and produce the world peace and hierarchical hilarity we have all been dreaming of.

Their first initiative is to transform the moon so that it is actually made out of cheese - a dream shared by their people, or mammals. Many astrophysicists have suggested that this would drastically alter lunar gravity and have an adverse effect on Earth. These experts were quickly sentenced to the new form of capital punishment; the Wheel.

One is genius, the other is insane. They're Pinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ...

Financial Analysts Agree Goldman Sachs Kind of Funny Name

NEW YORK CITY - At the latest steering committee meeting, financial analysts agree that their employer, Goldman Sachs, has a pretty funny name.

"Goldman Sachs, huh? I suppose it is kind of a funny name. It's not that funny though, " retorted David Viniar, Executive VP & CFO.

The name elicits images of robbers with gold "sacks" of money running out of the White House. Or of Austin Powers' Goldmember running the company like an evil, Dutch genius with little number-crunching minions.

Critics agree that the Goldman Sachs name could be a whole lot funnier if chief officers in the company gave a damn and took some initiative. "That's the biggest problem with commercial banking these days. Especially in organizations like Goldman Sachs where they're practically running the government. They never think to innovate their names and have a little fun," says NY Times financial columnist Jessica Silver-Greenberg.

The analysts who came to this realization have elected for a new comment jar to be placed at the front desk of the Goldman Sachs headquarters in lower Manhattan. "It needs to remain anonymous. But they need to consider these suggestions seriously. Our name could be a whole lot funnier, which would benefit everyone." believes an anonymous suggester.

In an attempt to limit paperwork from changing the company's New York Stock Exchange symbol of GS, contributors to the new name are asked to keep within the current acronym of GS. This will provide some structure and simplicity to the name change.

Goldmember Supremacy, Guggenheimer Smells, and Goldenmustard Stains are all acceptable and popular nominations.

The Box for Sachs will be accepting any and all entries through the month of October in a gold dig for the name that will lead it into a bright, new future. The steering committee will then reconvene to laugh test the best names on soulless accountants. For now, people will have to remain content with thoughts of Johan van der Smut insider trading pieces of his own flaky skin for 4.44 billion dollars annually. Or of saxophone legend Bleeding Gums Murphy decked out in chains like Flavor Flav.

A Thing that's not a Thing is becoming a big Thing: And Facebook Users are Invited to Suck It

THE BOOK OF FACES - People have a tendency to say things they regret. Some even go a step further and post them on the internet to be publicized forever. And with Facebook's Timeline feature, you can look up all the things people shouldn't have said publicly dating back to when their social media life was conceived.

In a recent internet debacle, Facebook has been subjected to a backlash of complaints regarding its Timeline feature. Facebook users are complaining that their old "private" messages are available for anyone to see and markedly embarrassing.

The best part is, this isn't a thing. "People are festering over a thing that's not a thing. If it was a thing, we could fix it and just say 'Sorry' ... but alas it is not. They are being haunted by the Posts of Christmas Past," says founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

"It's ridiculous!" says one disgruntled FB user. "Facebook has allowed all the private messages I posted on people's walls years ago to be seen by anyone and everyone that's a friend!"

Facebooked with a real imaginary problem, the social media powerhouse is developing its PR strategy to combat the issue. "We are cordially inviting all Facebook users who are angry about this problem to suck it," says Zuckerberg. "We feel this is the best solution. We can apologize all day and night about something that doesn't exist and people will still be angry. So we're just going to invite them to suck it ... cordially, of course."

Facebook has even gone a step further with this PR campaign and hired all the former members of the Worldwide Wrestling Federation's Degeneration X to appear in internet broadcasts and at all press conferences. X-Pac, The Road Dogg Jesse James, Triple X, Sean Michaels, and Chyna have all agreed to participate in the funnest public relations strategy of all time.

Degeneration X, also known as DX, is excited for the new employment opportunity. "You know the whole 'Band of Outlaws' gimmick of telling people to 'suck it' really lost its luster after the late 90's and early 2000's. Frankly it's just rude. But we're glad to be bringing DX back - and for such a good cause."

What's old will become new again this fall in the "Suck My Face Book" public relations tour that will questionably put an end to Facebook's anti-glitch uproar.