Washington, D.C. - This morning, at 7:52 a.m., Jesse Thompson, a 34-year-old analyst living in Arlington, Virginia found a perfectly-sized Ziploc bag for his breadsticks.The breadsticks, leftover from an thoroughly mediocre performance by Angelico Pizzeria on Saturday night, appeared to be a cumbersome, yet desired addition to Thompson's lunch.
Convinced he would have to use a container much larger bag, or, worse yet, tupperware container for the measly two remaining bread sticks, Thompson was all but defeated as he perused the cabinet below his sink. What he found, he could not believe.
"I was totally pumped," says Thompson, in the aftermath of his remarkably marquis mark on the morning.
His neighbor Mark, mockingly, was pumped too.
"Who has a Ziploc bag that's perfect for TWO breadsticks?! That's f******ng horse s*i*! I don't want to live next to a darned warlock"
When asked to comment, one warlock said - "Us warlocks love breadsticks more than anything. But I don't think any of us would even think of having a Ziploc bag just the right size for two breadsticks. The Jesse Thompson Story is nothing short of a miracle."
The warlock then added, "Oh yeah, and f*** that Mark guy. Us warlocks are damn good neighbors. And who says 'darned' after already saying 'f*c*in*' and 'h**se shit'?"
"Jesse Thompson is a man we should all aspire to be. Supporting local business by purchasing slightly below average, neighborhood bread sticks. Conserving the remaining bread sticks. Then sporting the further dispirited and aged bread sticks in a petroleum based, highly commercialized product. The Jesse Thompson Story, ladies in gentleman, IS AMERICA."
And that is change we can believe in.
(The author of this article apologizes for not really ever getting to a point)
