The news has been taken with pure, unadulterated relief.
"I was worried that I had a serious personal issue to deal with. An addiction to a very addictive drug is much easier to substantiate" says Skillet correspondent Tim Mallard.With thousands of addictions now justified, supermarkets have observed a major surge in Nutella sales.
"It's almost apocalyptic. People are running in here taking Nutella off the shelves like zombies looking for Nutella. I've seen 12 stabbings today," says Safeway supermarket manager Todd Greenger.
Admonishment has been surprisingly nonexistent for the high level of unethical and illegal activity conducted by Ferrero International. Policymakers and consumers alike have all agreed to look passed this minor detail in order to continue making their morning oatmeal as delicious as possible.
Even Barack Obama approves:
"You know we would ordinarily want to outlaw and actively restrict access to anything containing highly addictive, unhealthy, and illegal substances such as crack cocaine. But in the case of Nutella, I'm afraid we can't. Who's going to tell the American people they can no longer have Nutella? Sure as hell ain't going to be me. Frankly, I think that crack just got grandfathered into America via Nutella."
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| Sexy ass Nutella eaters get their fix |
Since the unveiling of Nutella's secret ingredient, Chinese food restaurants across the United States have admitted to lacing their meals with THC and Washington has thus allowed for marijuana to be legalized too.
"What, you think I can get rid of Chinese food in the US? You kidding me?" says Barack Obama in his best Jim Mora impression before adding, "We'd be lucky to win a game!" which held no coherence to the press conference, but was nevertheless an enjoyable Jim Mora tribute.
The largest issue with the news has been coining a term for Nutella addicts. With the surname 'heads' already being attached to pot, crack, and meth, The Skillet has elected for the term Nuts-ella.
"Like culs-de-sac" says Mallard.
Like culs-de-sac.
