Blitzen tests positive for doping, Christmas doesn't count

NORTH POLE - Blitzen, one of Santa's nine fabled reindeer, has recently tested positive for doping.

There has been a sharp outcry from the reindeer community regarding the testing.

"Rudolf is just the front man, the cover boy. If you need to get sh*t done in the reindeer community, you go to Blitzen" says Donner.

Blitzen's results may have an impact far greater than the embarrassment of the North Pole.

"With Blitzen testing positive for doping, there is a good chance the entire Christmas of 2012 will have to be stripped. All the presents burned or otherwise destroyed. Everything goes." says the Meister Burger.

Santa neglected to comment on the allegations.

Hermey the Elf was able to shed some light on the situation.

"Well if you know anything about the Reindeer, you know that it's dog-eat-dog. They literally eat the ones that can't fly. And Blitzen tested for blood doping. It's very likely that he just ate a brother or sister of his that has his same blood type, which has caused an increase in his red blood cells. The dude's a brute. But he gets things done."

Chinese banker Kahnu Mi falls off actual cliff

Los Angeles, Calif. - Kahnu Mi of Santa Monica, California fell of an actual cliff while hiking Mt San Antonio on New Years Day.

Authorities have not yet responded because they still think it's a prank call or simply an uninformed caller.

Mi, a 34-year old Chinese-American banker, was hiking with his Austrian co-worker Tags Heichs. Mi fell over Heichs while trying to take a picture of a bald eagle flying by. Heichs was laying down trying to recover from their recent ascent.

Heichs reported, "Kahnu's fall was actual pretty mild, but it was hard to get him out of the ditch by myself. So I called my friend Spencer Cutts who was hiking that same day, but he didn't feel like helping us out. He actually hiked over just to point at Kahnu and laugh."

The emergency responder who took the call responded with disbelief, "Ya sure a guy named Kahnu Mi falls off a cliff. And I got the call from a guy named Tags Heichs. What would you do?"

Kahnu seems to be struggling given the lackluster effort on Cutts' part. We will report back with a status on his recovery process.

Man makes millions selling Awesome Resolutions

INTERNET - New Year's Resolutions are usually pretty lousy. The only thing worse than having to come up with your own is listening to other people's.

Well this year, in true capitalist fashion, David Ausenburg, aged 24, sold "non-crappy" resolutions for $20 a piece. The end result was over 250,000 resolutions sold, totalling well over $5 million in revenue.

Ausenburg, having distributed his product electronically, collected pure profit from the business venture. Forbes and Fortune magzine have already reserved interviews with the man who has achieved the American Dream in less than 24 hours.

"It was really easy, I just had them fill out a survey and it automatically generated resolutions that didn't suck and sent them to their e-mail address," says Ausenburg.

"Most people received 'similar' resolutions."

In lieu of the hackneyed determinations to lose weight, save money, and spend more time with friends and family, Ausenburg has his customers doing the Most Awesomest Things ever.

"I just took the top rated items from the website MostAwesomestThingEver.com and made resolutions around them."

The most common resolutions involved learning how to travel through time, how to teleport, and eat as much pizza as you can.

One happy customer reports, "I am pumped with my resolution. Instead of having a stupid one, now I have to buy a laser gun. Like the one from GoldenEye. I don't know if they make them, but I'll sure as heck find out."

Wall Street is anticipating a spike in komodo dragon and jetpack sales. Hate or love Ausenburg's success, he has undoubtedly made the prospect of 2013 way awesomer than 2012. So sleep in to your new job as a ninja, because things are looking up in the new year.