UTAH - Divorce has indubitably become one of the cooler things to do in the United States. Some people are lucky enough to go through the process multiple times.With divorce rates on the rise according to random people on the street, despite not being reflected in actual statistics, marriage has started to lose its clout among many Americans. This sentiment is felt particularly in Utah, where Dibs is quickly replacing marriage for all intents and purposes.
"The sanctity of marriage is just lost on a lot of people," says former Utah Jazz star Karl Malone. "I have over 14,000 career rebounds. I know what it's like for people to miss, and the directions it can take."
Many people agree with Karl Malone.
"Mutual Dibs is just a whole lot more powerful and practical. Marriage is so showy, like 'Look at me, I'm married!'" added former Utah Jazz star John Stockton. "I have over 15,000 career assists. I know how to share and be a team player. And dibs is the way" concluded Stockton.
Social scientist and former Utah Jazz star Jeff Hornacek believes that dibs is the marriage of the 21st century. "Which sounds better - We got a divorce or we renegged our dibs? You can always reneg your dibs. I am a 2-time Three-Point Shootout Champion. I know how to control the long ball. I'm also not too good at making relevant analogies."
Malone, Stockton, and Hornacek all believe that marriage is too much pressure for modern society. They say that 'til death do you part' backs you into a corner. Dibs doesn't do that. You can always reneg your dibs without any of the negative legal or social implications that divorce has.
Malone added, "If you call dibs on a girl, all your fellas know to back off. Especially if you take her home and she claims Mutual Dibs. There's no need for marriage. Much like my NBA career, there's no ring involved in dibs."
Stockton and Hornacek have become legal Dibsers, the new equivalent to ordained ministers in the state of Utah. They have seen the majesty of Dibs bring together many happy couples, including Ashlee Simpson and Vincent Piazza, who recently broke up.Hornacek commented, "Yes so what Simpson and Piazza broke up. If that had been marriage, Boardwalk Empire would have suffered. And that doesn't do anyone any good. But it was Dibs. And the season continues. I think Mama Jimmy's going to die."
Whether or not the Dibs sensation spreads to the rest of the country is a matter of Connectors, Mavens, and Salesmen according to Malcolm Gladwell. For now, we will have to wait, and anticipate the box office flop Dibsing Crashers starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.
