Twinkies did not survive the apocalypse

Earth - Twinkies.

The indomitable junk food predicted to have enough artificial prowess to surpass all other organic life forms aside from bacteria and cockroaches.

Now merely a product and reference as outdated, inconsequential, and disappeared as Chris Angel.

With the end of the Mayan great cycle yielding low 40's and light rain instead of a James Cameron-esque movie ending (ugly), many earthlings have been left wondering what is next.

As Optimus Prime (my friends call me that cause I'm so optimistic and I'm good with algebra), I believe this "ending" is more like a Wachowski Brothers ending. Specifically, this is like Matrix 3 when Neo dies (if you haven't seen it and I ruined the ending for you, you deserve it. It's 2012).

In that ending the world is saved by the sacrifice of a man. It was not his sacrifice alone, but also the sacrifice of those who loved him enough to allow him to do the right thing. Even when it meant losing him.

It was a beautiful sunrise that next morning. The type that makes you believe in new beginnings. Just like the ending of V for Vendetta, another Wachowski Brothers epic, the world becomes ours to shape.

What I am trying to say is, the Wachowski Brothers are awesome. And the revolution has not yet begun.

Sent from my iPhone in Union Station, D.C.

Boehner suddenly a fan of Plan B, Zing

Washington, D.C. - Speaker of the House John Boehner has just released a Plan B, despite adamantly vowing to end all federal funding to Planned Parenthood.

Boehner, known for being a bit of a penis when it comes to womens health issues, has previously led a campaign against Planned Parenthood, a major supplier of Plan B, and also known for throwing millions of babies out windows every year.

Plan B is a pill taken after sexual intercourse to prevent male seed from becoming a human plant, much like the commercial herbicide Round Up for sperm. Statistically, poor people have a tendency to not take Plan B in order to have as many abortions as possible. The primary reason being that Planned Parenthood has distributed all lower class persons punch cards, which are good for one free abortion after 10 visits.

Boehner's Plan B is much better, because his Plan B will allow wealthy people to have more money. Wealthy people have much more expensive, job-creating, capitalist abortions. From there, wealthy people will hand their leftover moneys to poor people on the street, instead of the filthy government.

The Speakers Plan B has already vowed to not throw any babies out windows. His version will help the economy avoid falling off a "fiscal cliff". The "fiscal cliff" is when there will be cuts in spending and increases in taxes, causing people to lose their jobs.

The term fiscal cliff is deceiving, because even if the federal government doesn't wrap it up in time, they may find themselves having to retroactively fix their Act, double zing.

In conclusion, John Boehner is pro Plan B, but against people who distribute Plan B. The Skillet feels this level of political flip-flopping needs to be addressed.

We, the people, in order to form a more perfect union, should throw condoms on his yard. That'll teach 'em.

Love,
The Skillet

Nihilists trying to get pumped for Fiery Armageddon: Catch 22?

END OF DAYS - Existence. Is it a thing or not?

Whether we're part of a dream, or just shadows and dust, Friday your soul will be on real or fake fire and demons will be punching your grandmother.

With the end of days rapidly approaching, many people have taken different approaches to face their impending doom.

One school of philsophy, nihilists, who believe there is not any greater meaning or intrinsic value to life, have found themselves at a crossroads of emotions, or lackthereof.

To express too much emotion about anything is not usually their bag, but to see everyone in a tiff to because they are to be vaporized by their insignificance, is just fantastic.

"We really don't like to give two sh*ts about anything. But to have people freaking out about the apocalypse is just hilarious," says one person who didn't care to have a name, for names are just titles, which represent us, us who are nothing or no-thing.

"It's kind of like the Super Bowl for us. We want it to be a big party of anti-emotion. But that would be pretty much what we're already doing. If we get stoked for it, we're not being nihilists. But what's the point of being a nihilist if you can't get pumped for non-existence. Frankly, it's confusing."

For religious fanatics, the rapture is of course a very exciting time. But they're always getting worked up about Hey-Zeus coming back in town with a totally gnarley biker gang, usurping Jay-Z, and running this town tonight. I think that's how Dat New New Testament goes.

For us regular folk, this Friday will just be a good excuse to get drunk and hope that Bruce Willis saves the world. But if you see a nihilist (they will probably be listening to Tan Vampires or static on a television) inject him or her with some epinephrine (AKA testosterone - it gets ya jacked up!) and make him shotgun a Steel Reserve. Then watch Road Warrior and The Big Lebowski. If these things are now your Friday night plans, you're welcome.

Butt-sniffers in high demand as Identity Theft rises

Ontario - Local Ontario'ans have discovered they can no longer trust each other with personal information. Credit cards, bank statements, and social security numbers are becoming increasingly at risk for identity theft.

As Identity Theft continues to rise by 40% every year maybe, nations around the globe are seeking new ways to identify who you really are. The answer to their query, says the Ladies Man, may be 'da butt.

"As far as law enforcement goes, we have few ways of identifying people other than numbers, photos, various cards, fingerprints, tax documents, dental records, and passports. We need something a lot more reliable. Something that people can't forget or lose. Something that's sown on," says Superman.

That something that people can't lose, may be their butt holes.

"Think about it, how do dogs do security checks? Easy! Just a quick whiff of the poop chute and they know who they're dealing with. What's the point of all these ID's and Carfax's and LoJacks that we have to carry around. It's time to find out who people really are," surmised Barack Obama.

The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) has started its own dog training program similar to that of the DEA and FBI. Their dogs are being trained to identify whether or not the person has any other personal assets, unclaimed equity, or non-existent dependents.

The real challenge is for small shop keepers, banks, and those in Craigslist deals. How to be able to sniff your own customer to find out who they really are.

Former politician Paul Ryan has elected to lead the campaign to promote a new industry of Sniffers for the working class.

Whether or not this new identity theft prevention tactic works, either to improve security or to boost the economy, is yet to be seen. But what we can be sure about, is that all of the facts in this article are completely accurate. Go ahead. Take a whiff. I dare you.

Counting things is no longer cool

The Cool Brigade (somewhere in Iowa) - Counting things is great. It allows us to know approximately how many things we have or do not have, need to do or do not need to do, or other like practices.

But recently, the National Cool Brigade released its latest pronouncement of Cool Rulings or 'Coolings', which states that counting things is, in fact, no longer cool.

The age old practice of counting has come a long way in our history, but much like the atmosphere and fresh water, has been weathered by the exponential growth in reckless consumption of modern society.

21 Reasons Why Your Bathroom Should Have Teal in it, 43 Colors That Aren't as Good As Teal, and other such count-based articles have become more cluttering than non-recyclable plastics.

"Too many people have gotten into the counting game. Every article you see now has some sort of counting," says Sesame Street's The Count.

"Back in the good old days, you had Letterman doing his counting on The Late Show for adults, the Count doing his in the morning for kids, and me getting those in between, and those stoners staring at my cereal boxes," added Count Chocula.

The National Cool Brigade, known for having a lax schedule on issuing what is cool and what is not, has not made such a wide-scale pronouncement since 2005 when they told people to stop using Kazaa for downloading.

Twitter'ers and Tumblr'ers everywhere are on a quest to find new ways for expressing their ideas.

Drummer and record producer ?estlove is a fan of the revolution, "It's time to innovate. To simplify. You don't need 12 ways to make your man go crazy in the bedroom. You just gotta find one good one. And you're either with that or you're not."

Whether or not people get down with the sickness, and whether or not that's a relevant reference (it's not), the frequency of trendy 'x ways to do y' articles is sure to dwindle. Outlines, Flow Charts, and Bulleted Lists are inanimately chomping at the bit for a shot at the limelight.

But until a new method for writing articles emerges, I will be in my bathroom. Getting that thing teal as a moth*r f*ther.

Man finds Perfectly-sized Ziploc bag in Cabinet, Totally Pumped

Washington, D.C. - This morning, at 7:52 a.m., Jesse Thompson, a 34-year-old analyst living in Arlington, Virginia found a perfectly-sized Ziploc bag for his breadsticks.

The breadsticks, leftover from an thoroughly mediocre performance by Angelico Pizzeria on Saturday night, appeared to be a cumbersome, yet desired addition to Thompson's lunch.

Convinced he would have to use a container much larger bag, or, worse yet, tupperware container for the measly two remaining bread sticks, Thompson was all but defeated as he perused the cabinet below his sink. What he found, he could not believe.

"I was totally pumped," says Thompson, in the aftermath of his remarkably marquis mark on the morning.

His neighbor Mark, mockingly, was pumped too.

"Who has a Ziploc bag that's perfect for TWO breadsticks?! That's f******ng horse s*i*! I don't want to live next to a darned warlock"

When asked to comment, one warlock said - "Us warlocks love breadsticks more than anything. But I don't think any of us would even think of having a Ziploc bag just the right size for two breadsticks. The Jesse Thompson Story is nothing short of a miracle."

The warlock then added, "Oh yeah, and f*** that Mark guy. Us warlocks are damn good neighbors. And who says 'darned' after already saying 'f*c*in*' and 'h**se shit'?"

When news of the Jesse Thompson Story spread to the White House, President Obama yelled "Stop the presses!" for the first time since a 90's cartoon, and officially declared December 10th Jesse Thompson Day in honor of the most perfect accomplishment in the history of the United States.

"Jesse Thompson is a man we should all aspire to be. Supporting local business by purchasing slightly below average, neighborhood bread sticks. Conserving the remaining bread sticks. Then sporting the further dispirited and aged bread sticks in a petroleum based, highly commercialized product. The Jesse Thompson Story, ladies in gentleman, IS AMERICA."

And that is change we can believe in.

(The author of this article apologizes for not really ever getting to a point)

Dibs Replaces Marriage in Utah

UTAH - Divorce has indubitably become one of the cooler things to do in the United States. Some people are lucky enough to go through the process multiple times.

With divorce rates on the rise according to random people on the street, despite not being reflected in actual statistics, marriage has started to lose its clout among many Americans. This sentiment is felt particularly in Utah, where Dibs is quickly replacing marriage for all intents and purposes.

"The sanctity of marriage is just lost on a lot of people," says former Utah Jazz star Karl Malone. "I have over 14,000 career rebounds. I know what it's like for people to miss, and the directions it can take."

Many people agree with Karl Malone.

"Mutual Dibs is just a whole lot more powerful and practical. Marriage is so showy, like 'Look at me, I'm married!'" added former Utah Jazz star John Stockton. "I have over 15,000 career assists. I know how to share and be a team player. And dibs is the way" concluded Stockton.

Social scientist and former Utah Jazz star Jeff Hornacek believes that dibs is the marriage of the 21st century. "Which sounds better - We got a divorce or we renegged our dibs? You can always reneg your dibs. I am a 2-time Three-Point Shootout Champion. I know how to control the long ball. I'm also not too good at making relevant analogies."

Malone, Stockton, and Hornacek all believe that marriage is too much pressure for modern society. They say that 'til death do you part' backs you into a corner. Dibs doesn't do that. You can always reneg your dibs without any of the negative legal or social implications that divorce has.

Malone added, "If you call dibs on a girl, all your fellas know to back off. Especially if you take her home and she claims Mutual Dibs. There's no need for marriage. Much like my NBA career, there's no ring involved in dibs."

Stockton and Hornacek have become legal Dibsers, the new equivalent to ordained ministers in the state of Utah. They have seen the majesty of Dibs bring together many happy couples, including Ashlee Simpson and Vincent Piazza, who recently broke up.

Hornacek commented, "Yes so what Simpson and Piazza broke up. If that had been marriage, Boardwalk Empire would have suffered. And that doesn't do anyone any good. But it was Dibs. And the season continues. I think Mama Jimmy's going to die."

Whether or not the Dibs sensation spreads to the rest of the country is a matter of Connectors, Mavens, and Salesmen according to Malcolm Gladwell. For now, we will have to wait, and anticipate the box office flop Dibsing Crashers starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn.

Dude Drunkenly Uses All Three of his Genie Wishes

ORONO, Maine - We have just received word of a man in Orono, Maine who has uncovered a real magic lamp in the woods surrounding the University of Maine campus. James Robertson, age 19, the lucky young man, has been presented with the usual magic lamp offer, which includes three wishes.

Sources tell us that almost immediately upon being told about his wishes, Robertson asked the genie if he could get him some beer, despite already being inebriated. The genie responded, "I can get you anything. I'm a damn genie." Robertson then used his first wish on a 30-wrack of Bud Light. The genie reminded him that he could get anything, but was rudely interrupted with - "Shut up and get me the 30, genie!"

Much to his chagrin, the genie obliged and retrieved a 30-wrack of Bud Light.

Robertson and his two friends tried using the magic lamp as a bong, shook several cans up and cracked them open like champagne, and offered a few to two female passers-by of the promiscuous persuasion. The genie promptly reminded James that he cannot make them have sex with him.

As the night ended Robertson suddenly redeemed his last two wishes for pizza and to not have to go to his classes on Friday. Before bidding adieu to his master, the genie regarded Robertson as the worst wisher ever. The conversation went something like this:

Genie: "I've been doing this for millennia and you honestly have used your wishes so -"
JR: "Enough, already! I've seen this speech in Good Will Hunting"
Genie: "What? I'm not Robin Williams, I'm a real genie"
JR: "Yeah, right. If you were a real genie you would've gotten me something better than pizza, beer, and tomorrow's notes."
Genie: "YOU WISHED FOR THOSE -"
JR: "Heck you couldn't even get me laid"
Genie: "You suck"
JR: "Go suck on some spinach Popeye!"
Genie: "I'm NOT Robin Williams!"
JR: "Whatever"

That's all for now. This is The Skillet reporting live from Orono, Maine

Win Scrabble, Win Your Freedom: Local Neurosurgery Department steps up Discharge Game

BOSTON, Massachusetts - Boston, Massachusetts. Home to some of the best hospitals in the world. Mass General, Mass Eye & Ear, and Brigham and Women's are all ranked top 3 in their specialties in the nation according to U.S. News.

It takes innovative thinking to stay at the forefront of health care. It requires guts, intelligence, and, now, a board game.

Massachusetts General Hospital, which is ranked third in the nation in Neurology and Neurosurgery, requires a thorough analysis of brain trauma patients before their release. CT scans, MRIs, and motor skills are all reviewed in order to prevent premature discharges.

And now, they're stepping their game up.

Mass General, the Big Boston Brain Boss, is requiring all head trauma patients to beat their attending physicians and nurses in a game of Scrabble in order to ensure their cognitive capacity.

"We really want to start taking patient releases seriously. Too often brain trauma patients leave hospitals after a few lousy tests. I forget why we even do them. It's time for a fresh start."

Doctor Robert Lawrence Martuza, Chief Physician of the Department of Neurosurgery at Mass General, issued this complaint and has sought to start anew. He believes that if patients are well enough to beat their attending medical team in Scrabble, then they have beaten their brain trauma.

"The process has been absolutely great for our staff," says Dr. Martuza. "People don't like tests. And they don't like tests being explained to them. It's too uncomfortable, and people don't feel involved in the process. What is there not to understand about using the word EXEQUY on a triple word? You just got owned and THAT'S your explanation for why you can't leave! We're putting patients in the game!"

Despite the positive response from the Neurosurgery staff, some patients have issued complaints with the new screening tool. "It's hard to beat physicians in a game of Scrabble. Even without a concussion. They are usually pretty smart," says an anonymous patient.

Martuza is well aware of the resistance to the new method. "Sure we have considered the cognitive difficulty level to defeat doctors and nurses in Scrabble. But we want to take these patients and their injuries seriously. We want to give them time, not rush them. Finally you have to remember, all these complaints are coming from brain trauma victims, so what are they really worth? Maybe 20 points on a double word at the max. Most of them can't even remember the Republican nominee in the recent election."

"It hurts," said one patient after seeing Dr. Martuza play ZEBRA on a corner. "Then get better!" was his response.

Whether or not the Scrabble Screen is considered a best-practice is yet to be determined. But for now, the medical community is taking notice and the 8 points that comes with it (N,O,T,I,E = 1 pt each + C=3pts = 8 total).

You heard me. Take notice Rest of the World! Boston, the best of the best in medical science has set the precedent. Since all of you are inferior to us Bostonians, you'd better do what we do.

What?

What do you mean the Mayo Clinic, Johns Hopkins Hospital, and the Cleveland Clinic are ranked higher than Boston hospitals in most areas?

F*** you!

Go ahead, go to Cleveland! The Drew Carey Show sucked anyways! Okay, I didn't mean that, I liked the Drew Carey Show. Ok. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks. I love you too. Goodnight mom.

'Horse Sh*t' becomes legal motion in U.S Judicial System

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Administrative, criminal, and civic proceedings can often be a bore. Not only to jury members and witnesses, but to attorneys and judges alike. This staleness can often cost people undeserved life sentences, hefty fines, or clean slates in order to simply end the day's drudgery.

In a bizarre attempt to rejuvenate and liven up the United States judicial system, there has been an addition to the rules regarding motions. The ever-popular 'horse sh*t' is a term not unfamiliar to court cases in television shows and movies, but is hardly ever accepted in real court cases. Well now the fan favorite verbal retort is making a jump from celluloid to the stand.

"Horse sh*t just rolls off the tongue so much easier, and is much more fun to say," says Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts.

Roberts also believes this new type of motion will create a better overall judicial system.

"Court cases can become so dangerously boring that no one is even paying attention anymore. The formalities are piled too high for people to get over within a reasonable amount of time. Horse sh*t allows us to bypass some of those formalities and to get things done."

Others believe the new form of motion is too broad and vague to have a practical place in the court system. Such believers have admitted their overwhelming jealousy for new law students who get to use 'horse sh*t' in their trial courses.

Whether or not real viles of horse sh*t are allowed in the court is to be determined, but it looks like there's a good horse shot that will happen.

Sex- Scandal Surrounding Parents of Half a Dozen Babies

NEW JERSEY - There is a major sex- scandal surrounding the birth of half a dozen identical babies in Princeton, New Jersey. Wait ... I'm getting an update. Ok, it turns out sex is the prefix for six. The babies are sextuplets and there's no scandal involving the parents. The couple is happily married. White. Ok. Nevermind! Back to you Bob!

New Highway System to model Hot Wheels tracks

THE CONFEDERACY -  Plans are a brewing in Washington for loopdi-loops, jumps and magnetic strips to build up friction. Rub your car back and forth and get ready to let it rip, because there's a new highway system that models the childhood favorite Hot Wheels tracks.

The American Reinvestment and Recovery Act (ARRA) was signed into action in 2009, and has led to steady increases in paved roads and labor opportunities. It turns out the transportation provision has an extension to the ARRA "Pave every road" plan, which includes the approval for a life-sized Hot Wheels track in every state by the year 2016. The project is expected to start in the South, given the region's affinity for NASCAR, higher speed limits, and more open roads.

All roads will be painted yellow, of course, and will have very minimal guard rails to promote maximal carnage. This will allow more people to die (less freeloaders), more car fires (better TV, more firefighter jobs), and of course put the auto industry back to business to match the demand from all the car wrecks.

 Once this goes national, there's a good chance every passenger in America will need a roll cage, which will cause a boom in that industry too! So don't pollute our wetlands and watersheds, because they're now our bail out zones. Like break down lanes only much less practical.

This whole nation is going to be like Honey I Shrunk the Kid and Then He Turned Into a Ghost and Manufactured a Whole Bunch of Life Sized Hot Wheels Cars and Then Convinced Us To Drive Them Like Evil Gosh Darn Kenevil and Is Playing With Us Like His Toys Making Sounds Like Vroom Vroom But We Can't Hear Him Because He's On The Other Side, But Dogs Can Hear Him Because They're More In Touch With the Earth and Living and Non-Living Things... What You Don't Think That's True? Then How Can they Sense Death, HUH JEFF?!!Yeah Cats Can Do That Too But Cats Would Never Alert Us If There Were Ghosts So What's The Point? God You Suck Jeff,  or Honey I Shrunk the Kid 2 for short, if it was directed by Michael Bay instead of Randal Kleiser (with the kid showing two fingers like he's saying "I'm THIS many!").

America Voted Best Country in the Universe

U.S of A - The world is tired of measuring a nation's success by useless metrics such as Gross Domestic Product and life expectancy. How many people have access to clean water? How many people have access to health care? These are examples of stupid questions asked by stupid people.

The world wants to know which country is the absolute best. And what better way than the Princeton Review? The Princeton Review, known for its college rankings, is the most comprehensive polling system on the planet. It allows the same person to vote multiple times for a particular item.

The prestigious award of Best Country in the Universe deserves such a system that allows people who want it more to win. According to a mildly credible source on Yahoo answers, the average household has 2 computers, which has launched the United States to the top of the list.

Some people have suggested that the title "Best Country in the Universe" lacks any notion of humility and perpetuates its image as a narcissistic, self-indulgent land of infidels. But those people are probably just sore losers who were rooting for France to under frog its way through. No way Pierre!

The real way to determine who is the best is the Dunk Contest. And until someone can top Vince Carter's 360 Windmill, the red white and blue will stay on top. He was born in Daytona Beach where we burn up precious gasoline that we killed for in our automobiles for SPORT!

Yelling "Run Forrest Run" at joggers now legal equivalent to Murder

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Since the 1994 release of Forrest Gump, runners and casual joggers alike have heard one trite calling from passing cars followed by uproarious laughter.

Motorists have used it for over a decade to satisfy their desire for poking fun at those who run.
Now punishable by lethal injection and instant vigilante justice, "Run Forrest Run!" is taking to the hills.

Given the physical fitness of Representatives and Senators who have signed the bill, the legal action was most likely spearheaded by a disgruntled group of old and angry lobbyist-runners who have some favors and miles to cash in on.

With many more important political matters up in the air right now, it has been perfect timing for what would normally be a pretty controversial decision by the 112th United States Congress. "Most people haven't even noticed. The fact that we are legally advocating for vigilante killings of anyone who yells a pretty harmless, albeit hackneyed, saying is borderline unethical," believes Michigan Senator Carl Levin.

"Yeah, sure it's odd. But so is the spelling of my last name," added Speaker of the House John Boehner.

"I agree," additionally added Idaho Senator Mike Crapo.

Majority Leader of the Senate, Harry Reid has endorsed the bill by explaining, "Hey, two weeks left, f*** it!" With such infallible rationale it was useless explaining to Reid that there are in fact 11 weeks left before the 112th Congress is adjourned.

Though no plausible justifications for the bill have been found, runners sure are happy to hear about the old taunt going to heaven with Mama. Congress, appearing to be running on empty and running wild, (lyrics to the Jackson Browne song that plays in the background while Forrest runs across the country during the movie - I just assumed people wouldn't get the reference) is merely proud to have enacted something with some real balls to it.

Lil' Wayne and Mitt Romney team up for new single "Bind Women Get Money"

NEW YORK - Last night's presidential debate has started the biggest buzz for a new collaborative single and album since Kanye and Jay-Z's Watch the Throne. The people asking, they been searching, they been wondering when the binder gon' drop! Is it a Birdman? Is it a T-Pain? It's Romney-Weezy!

Since Mitt Romney's pronouncement last night that he has a "binder full of women", Romney and Wayne have been in the studio working on the new highly anticipated single "Bind Women, Get Money". It is expected to leak and go viral within the next week. The first hour of their introduction included throwing money at each other and discussing their personal methods for "bitches". They then got to drinking and freestyling, resulting in this excerpt being spit by GOP nominee:

There's no debate

I interrupt with persistence

Obama's my bro but

I'm the Bain Capital of his existence

The two have found more common ground than they anticipated. Lil' Wayne found out about polygamous marriage in the Mormon church and became an instant fan. They also discovered they may be able to fill some gaps in each other's fan bases.

Ever since passing Elvis Presley as the male with the most Billboard 100 hits, Wayne has met some opposition in the old white people niche. And Romney has always had trouble with African American populations for his lack of personality and concern for most social issues affecting minorities.

For now we have only to wait until the masterpiece single and hopefully album is produced. Young Money Cash Money will now be referred to as Young, Corrupt, and Invested Money That Will Double In Value Over Time. Other tracks suspected to appear on the album include, "Let the GDP Build", "Right Wing Above It", and a remix of Tha Carter IV's "Abortion".

Earthquake results in record number of fart jokes

HOLLIS, Maine - Houses rumbling. Phone calls disconnected. Dogs with raised ears and puzzled faces.

The recent 4.6 magnitude earthquake has certainly made its presence felt on the New England community in different ways. Many people reacted with suspicions of faulty boilers, incoming planes, or large passing automobiles. But in the Greater Bean town community, the musical fruit was just the scapegoat New Englanders wanted.


Flatulence humor has been funny among cultures since the beginning of time. Recordings of fart jokes can be traced back to Ancient Athens playwright Aristophanes in 5th century BC. They are even used my monumental figures in history, such as epic writer Homer, and even Benjamin Franklin, and they aren't going to stop now. As long as farting is impolite to do in formal settings it will continue its prominence as the body's and many comedians' best joke.

For New Englanders, this rare occasion [the earthquake] is the perfect opportunity to indulge in the past time yet again. Better yet, bouts of uncontrollable laughter are probably still impacting those who had actually passed gas between 7:11 and 7:12 p.m. local time. Many were possibly asked to cut the cheese for casual wine parties, making the all-too-available opportunity for someone to react with, "We didn't mean that kind!" One can only pray that someone was asked what kind of cheese they wanted on their burger or sandwich, and through some magic in the universe requested 'Fromunda cheese'.

Authorities have already reported a record number of 4,000 fart jokes called into local emergency numbers and news stations. Pictures of skid marks in whitey tighties have been submitted as the "culprit" of the rumblings.

When these incessant zingers will cess is unknown. One thing is for sure, this earthquake has allowed us all to laugh. It has also allowed us to question the structural integrity of our houses. Alright, so two things are for sure.

So thank you to the Beavis and Butthead of natural disasters, for being inconsequential yet meaningful. Hopefully you allowed one crazy uncle to rekindle the humor in the Pull My Finger gag, boys young and old to apologize for having baked beans for dinner, and one lucky man to deliver the funniest and scariest Dutch Oven ever.

Dunkin's Releases new Gallon-size coffee

CANTON, Ma. - Facebook, iPods, cell phones, tablets, and coffee. Over-stimulation is available in all shapes, colors, and sizes.

We have all seen it. The pair of women with their bug-eyed shades and tan skin cruising down the highway with an extra large coffee made Xtra Xtra into a milkshake. This is a staple, everyday occurrence to be seen in variations among high school and college students, construction workers, and the sleep-deprived, but self-medicated.

Yesterday Dunkin Donuts released its new option for those customers who are more advanced in their caffeine addiction. The gallon.


The steady increase in caffeine tolerances has induced a demand that appears to be limitless. This is a concept known as Coffee Inflation, which has made the status quo coffee order a hefty 20 to 24 oz dosage. Now, those who are ready to take their consumption to the next level have only to make a 42 ounce jump to the gallon.

Why such a huge jump to the gallon? Nigel Travis, CEO of Dunkin Donuts, has the answer, "We could have gone with a quart or even a 2 liter, but we like the gallon. It makes for a hilariously excessive injection into the blood stream." So there you have it, because it's excessive.

Wait, did he say injection? Freudian slip! Dunkins also plans on having a new area of the drive thru called the IV. Customers will have the option of having their caffeine introduced to their body much quicker through the popular intravenous therapy method used in hospitals. Ironically enough, IV's are often used to treat dehydration and coffee dehydrates the body. But let's be honest, anyone who is using this feature isn't overly concerned about his or her health.


The Gallon size will be priced in between the medium and large sized coffee. This more-for-less pricing is, along with the entire concept, also very questionable given that it encourages customers to buy a gallon of coffee instead of 20 ounces. "We hope this will encourage people to up their addiction," adds Travis preceding maniacally laughter.

The new Gallon and IV options are thought to be signs of corporate 'roid rage, a megalomania complex within a powerful organization. The slogan "America Runs on Dunkin" was formerly perceived as a slightly immodest but catchy tagline. Now people are wondering if it is merely harmless narcissism, or indicative of a power hungry quest for omnipotence.

One thing is for sure, dozens of doughnut loving denizens will now be getting their fix in record volumes.

If Dunkin' Donuts is able to take over the world, many are prepared to take it lying down with cream and sugar. Dunks is prepared to pump a gallon of their grandiose ethos into your blood glucose to dunk those dextrose-ridden do'ho's in. And do customers care? No. YOLO!

Two Friends have Extremely Mediocre Night at College

UNIVERSITY COLLEGE - Thursday nights at colleges favor those brave, bold, and thirsty souls who venture out into the wild. Their quest is one of laughter, intercourse, and/or inebriation, not necessarily in that order. And last night two souls went out salivating for such treasures.

Jeff and Brad are your run of the mill college students. They are sophomores majoring in Business from white, middle class families in the same state. They enjoy Dave Matthews Band, Boondock Saints, and intramural basketball.

Jeff and Brad (Jefrad) started their night off by having a few friends from freshman year come over to their room. They played Kings and drank Bud Light from 8 o'clock until about 9:30 PM. The inability to say the first names of other participants left many of the less advanced Kings players to consume disproportionately more alcohol than others.

Afterwards they left to go to a party one Kings participant had heard about at an on-campus apartment. The disproportionately drunk population on board made their 1 mile walk more taxing than anticipated. Upon their 10:30 arrival at the party the duo checked the printer paper list for Beirut, only to discover it had been completely filled. They flipped the paper over and started a continuation on the other side.

While waiting for game time, Jefrad indulged in a game of @$$hole for about an hour. During this Brad introduced his name, class, and major to four separate people and one person twice. Jeff had involved himself in a discussion with a fellow classmate about how vague their English professor has been about writing assignments.

Thanks to the obliviousness of a few queued up teams, Jefrad were able to play Beirut earlier than expected. They beat the other team by two cups after a clever bounce by Brad and a well-played "Island" call by Jeff. Jefrad won the next game easily against two girls who were having a difficult time remembering the game was still going on.

Once the game was over Jefrad, the party began clearing out with the priority of making it to the local _HOP pizza place. Accomplishments from their travel included one of the girls puking in a bush and two guys getting into a brief, verbal altercation. Jefrad abstained due to their tunnel visioned focus on the cheesy goodness of pizza.

To cap off the night they watched a guy get arrested and a couple argue, as they sat and ate their 'za across the street. Jefrad consumed 7 beers each on the night, had a glass of water before bed, remembered to take out their contacts, brushed their teeth, and didn't set their alarms.

They awoke, went to breakfast, and unleashed their tale of extreme mediocrity on the rest of the campus. The story has gone viral in the most remarkable way, given the absence of excitement or highlights to attract anyone into hearing it.

PepsiCo releases actual Haterade

UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA - For years people have requested that friends should stop sipping "Haterade" in order to reduce bouts of negativity. The metaphorical drink is thought to contain the venom and pessimism that fuels people to verbally deconstruct one another.

As the saying goes, it is easier to destroy than to build.

Well now the new product is hopping out of Looney Tunes land and into the real world and hopes to grease the wheels on the Skepticism SUV. Haterade contains all the essential bitamins and sinerals to re-energize and refuel a person to continue expressing hatred when others have quit.

"This new beverage has really helped my performance," touts Jim Rome, a particularly hate-filled ESPN talk show host. "Sometimes I think about constructively criticizing athletes, but then I realize I was never a professional athlete and don't have any practical advice. That's when I need Haterade the most."

Haterade has been an instant success in the market, especially with all the political angst fermenting among the American public preceding the November election.

The release of the new product and its resemblance to regular Gatorade begs the question: "What is the difference between Gatorade and Haterade?" It turns out, the answer is polarity.

Gatorade is often served at cool temperatures and helps revitalize athletes and rave ecstasy enthusiasts. Haterade is served at the temperature you find a bottle of water after you have left it in your car during a hot day in the summer for 8 hours, smelling equally of dissolved plastic. It is mostly served to angry men and women to help them project their insecurities onto the world around them. Gatorade contains a mixture of sugar, salt, water, and high fructose corn syrup. Haterade contains the same things, with equal parts urine and vinegar to balance out the sweetness. The urine and vinegar really help bring out the bitterness within drinkers.

With the increase in distribution of Haterade, more people than ever have made snide comments about Kevin Federline, Nickelback, or Sandlot 2. This trend has led Facebook to standardizing a 'Dislike' button to keep up with demand.

Haterade has also been the catalyst for a new era of film and music critic opportunities opening up at newspapers and magazines referred to as the "Pessimism Press". News sources are realizing that the fun and camaraderie of hating has displaced all previous cares about current events and learning new things.

"People just want to hate," growls Anthony Lane of the New Yorker.

The strike of Haterade lightning has electrified blogs and forums with news of how much Lebron James sucks despite being really good at what he does, and how Creed is the worst band of all time despite selling millions of records and winning a Grammy. No longer is it possible for people to simply enjoy what they enjoy. Now, whatever you enjoy most likely sucks.

Haterade can be found at any local grocery store by anyone hoping to ride the Disdain Train, the Dislike Bike, or the Hatred Hovercraft. Someday positivism may take over, but for now, somebody should cover Justin Bieber's ears.

Beaker named Sexiest Man Alive

LOS ANGELES - Beaker is on fire. And for once it's not at the hands of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, but rather, People magazine.

As an assistant scientist and test subject with a long history of withstanding dangerous experiments, Beaker's hotness can no longer be denied. After an underdog win in Facebook's poll for "Favorite Muppet" over Kermit and Animal, this former test dummy has the ladies saying 'meep-meep'.

His hotness is just finally climaxing among popular culture decades after The Muppet Show stopped airing on live television. People magazine has prematurely released its decision, which is usually announced in November, due to the high volume of excitement buzzing around the very manly Muppet of few words.

Ever since he teleported away with Czech model Petra Nemcova during A Muppet Christmas: Letters to Santa in 2008, Beaker has drawn attention from men and women all over the world.

"People want to know how he does it," says George Clooney, two time winner of the People magazine accolade. "It's easy for people to see why someone like me or the Brads [Cooper and Pitt] get the title. But Beaker ... he brings sexy to a new level."

His intelligence, shyness, and misfortune at the hands of science all contribute to his tender appeal. Also his renditions of such classics as "Ode to Joy", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", and "Feelings" alongside the Swedish Chef and Animal are demonstrations of his talent, range, and versatility.

Clooney went on to add, "People can sympathize with Beaker. His sufferings are numerous, but he always gets back up. And that's pure sex appeal. Also I think that Germ Enlarger worked on other things."

What Beaker conquers next is yet to be seen. Surely, hair growth formula won't be the only thing causing his head to bust open, insinuating that the designation of Sexiest Man Alive will be an ego boost, and definitely not anything sexual and crude.

Dolphin Echolocation becomes new Hipster sensation

THE OCEAN - The elusive hipsters; where do they go? What do they do? Most importantly, whom do they listen to?

The age of independent music and movies has bred litters of non-conformists all over the United States and the world. These people will listen to Rachmaninoff and then Tan Vampires just to prove that they can, or because their iPods are on shuffle. They yearn to know about bands whose sounds are immune to mainstream influence.

They crave authenticity.

For years the contemporary subculture has scoured underground scenes in clubs and coffee shops, on vinyl and 8track, and in Portlands both Oregon and Maine. Now, hipsters are taking it to a whole new level - sea level.

The intelligence and playful attitude of dolphins has long made them popular animals in human culture. Dolphins use their clicks for echolocation, which makes their sounds "super authentic".

"Dolphins aren't down there clicking around trying to find record deals. They click in order to locate and identify objects around them like food and turtles to prank. And that, my friends, is as real as music gets," says Simon Harper, editor for Clash magazine.

"Hipsters are tired of having to be depressed and listen to struggling bands talking about being unsure of things. Those are people problems. It's time to get back to nature. Time to get true, raw underground stuff. And what's more underground than the mother effing ocean?!"

This new breed of hipsters, known as Flipsters, has been growing along with the increase in hydrophonic recording technologies. Flipsters are thanking Poseidon for this growth in variety of raw sound to be heard in the ocean.

Dolphins make three categories of sounds, which include frequency modulated whistles, burst-pulse sounds, and clicks. The clicks increase in frequency when approaching an object of desire. These variations provide a wide range of dolphin acoustics.

"Hipsters love coming off as nerds and caring. So if they can learn to decipher and appreciate echolocation, they can earn mega hipster points. Which are redeemable at most thrift shops."

According to many Flipsters, some of these dolphins have a mean flow. A particularly loud 'fin on the scene right now goes by the name Cori Olis, who has been streaming internationally and had a major effect on the movement.

"Cori Olis clicks in a way that most people can't appreciate. He does it for the movement," says one elusory Flipster sitting below the docks with a hydrophone. "He orca-strates killer clicks that really speak to the fun loving being in all living creatures."

Further adding, "Yeah I did that on porpoise."

The latest on subterranean culture's Dolphin Echolocation scene can be found at marine record stores which are located pretty much nowhere.

Mortal Kombat becoming popular Termination Policy

CHICAGO - "Finish Him!", "Your soul is mine!", and "Get over here!" are some of the more quotable lines from the classic video game Mortal Kombat. And now these quotes are being used by video game enthusiasts and human resources departments alike.

The new Mortal Kombat Policy has been adopted by several major corporations and small businesses throughout the United States. The new policy embraces a "hands-on" approach when terminating employees. This policy has been allowing upper management to get back back B to work faster than ever.

"It's been a fantastic addition to our work place. There is so much less wining now," says an early adopter of the new policy. "We used to hear out everyone's concerns. Now if they come to us with a problem, we just make them fight for their soul."

The system has cut down tremendously on paper and costly severance packages. What used to be a helping hand to get you back on your feet is now a crouched uppercut waiting to send you through the roof.

"Our employees are definitely on their best game now. They know that if they have any issues they had better have a good special move or fatality to back it up."

OSHA tried to intervene in the process, but they were quickly informed that the Elder Gods had already ruled for Mortal Kombat in Earthrealm and there was nothing they could do. The denizens of each department are allowed to rule the other departments only after consecutively defeating 10 of their best Monday warriors.

After losing several good employees who happened to be not so good at fighting for their lives, several of the companies have substituted the hand to hand combat portion for efficiency evaluations and productivity reports. The loss of souls however is still inherently included.

The policy has resulted in many professional fighters and formerly imprisoned murderers to be given high up positions in major organizations. Apple has just hired Jean-Claude Van Damme as their new Chief Operating Officer. That way if anyone challenges upper management, they're going to have to do it through Lionheart.

Don't Stop Believing becomes new National Anthem

DENVER - Tonight, after the Presidential debate, both Governor Romney and President Obama came out together to voice their agreement on the most important and pressing matter of this campaign. They changed the United States National Anthem to "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.

The presidential race has always been an inherently divisive stage for two men. It became clear to the two candidates that they needed some common ground to unify them for the sake of their own humanity. That way, if either one loses, they can still say, "Hey I didn't even win and I got something done!" - like an election souvenir to put in history and scrap books.

The candidates met at a local D.C. dive bar to discuss what they thought would be a sure fire hit. Like Britney Spears and Madonna making out, they needed something that all Americans [who love pop culture] could get behind.

They had unknowingly stumbled upon serendipitous gold in short wire skirts.

It was Karaoke Night at the Fox Hole and there were all of 10 people in attendance. The set list had consisted of two separate attempts at Bob Seger classics that both ended with, "well you know the rest".

But just as the owner was about to break down the "stage" and equipment, two drunken heroines busted down the gates of fate and slurred their way into immortality.

The two women ambushed the stage and took hostage of the microphone with only one demand ... to not stop believing.

The two held on to that feeling until the street lights and people gave in to those lyrics which are deeply embedded into every American's brain. The desolate crowd of 10 turned into a booming orchestra with the power of 13! Each browning out truck driver and accountant drowning their sorrows in liquid courage allowed the little voice inside of their hearts to be heard - the voice that tells you to never give up. To never stop believing. And to voice it through the majesty of song!

Obama and Romney were in mutual shock and awe of the moment they had been a part of. Music had ignited the fires in this fledgling karaoke crowd, why couldn't they do that to a nation?

With the obvious staleness of our current anthem unquestioned, the two nominees raced home to their families and shared the great news. After the debates there would be a new National Anthem and it would be something people had already been forced to know and love by some cruel requirement of social law.


When the debate was through, we saw the two families smiling and enjoying each others company. What were they talking about? Doing a Journey song at a karaoke bar afterwards of course.

So Republican or Democrat, black or white, Blood or Crip, we can all leave this debate knowing one hard truth. "Don't Stop Believing", the top selling track in iTunes history, the karaoke staple, is now the sound of our nation.

Pinky and the Brain Finally Succeed in Taking over the World

Through Brain's strategic investments with his Warner Brothers money and Pinky's natural people skills, Pinky and the Brain have succeeded in their nightly mission to take over the world.

After Pinky and the Brain ceased airing new episodes, Brain began full time work in currency trading with major transnational corporations, acquiring major shareholdings in several along the way under the guise of Carlos Slim Helu. Pinky provided an affable distraction for investors.

What does this mean for the rest of us?

We know that Pinky and the Brain were witty and entertaining on television. However, this pandering to our funny bones was likely influenced by their Warner Brothers obligations. Given that these two creatures have undergone many scientific experiments that have left them bitter and determined enough to take over the world, they may not be the comically communistic commensals we would hope for.

Luckily with help from the television series, we know that Ivan Pavlov trained Brain to sing "I'm a little tea pot" at the sound of a gong and Pinky does a Cossack dance at the sound of a bell. Knowledge of these conditioned responses could be used to remove the two from power if necessary. But for now, the general public are a bunch of curious cats about what the duo can do.

One school of thought is that, when uninhibited by Warner Bros network, Pinky and the Brain may be infinitely more successful and produce the world peace and hierarchical hilarity we have all been dreaming of.

Their first initiative is to transform the moon so that it is actually made out of cheese - a dream shared by their people, or mammals. Many astrophysicists have suggested that this would drastically alter lunar gravity and have an adverse effect on Earth. These experts were quickly sentenced to the new form of capital punishment; the Wheel.

One is genius, the other is insane. They're Pinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ...

Financial Analysts Agree Goldman Sachs Kind of Funny Name

NEW YORK CITY - At the latest steering committee meeting, financial analysts agree that their employer, Goldman Sachs, has a pretty funny name.

"Goldman Sachs, huh? I suppose it is kind of a funny name. It's not that funny though, " retorted David Viniar, Executive VP & CFO.

The name elicits images of robbers with gold "sacks" of money running out of the White House. Or of Austin Powers' Goldmember running the company like an evil, Dutch genius with little number-crunching minions.

Critics agree that the Goldman Sachs name could be a whole lot funnier if chief officers in the company gave a damn and took some initiative. "That's the biggest problem with commercial banking these days. Especially in organizations like Goldman Sachs where they're practically running the government. They never think to innovate their names and have a little fun," says NY Times financial columnist Jessica Silver-Greenberg.

The analysts who came to this realization have elected for a new comment jar to be placed at the front desk of the Goldman Sachs headquarters in lower Manhattan. "It needs to remain anonymous. But they need to consider these suggestions seriously. Our name could be a whole lot funnier, which would benefit everyone." believes an anonymous suggester.

In an attempt to limit paperwork from changing the company's New York Stock Exchange symbol of GS, contributors to the new name are asked to keep within the current acronym of GS. This will provide some structure and simplicity to the name change.

Goldmember Supremacy, Guggenheimer Smells, and Goldenmustard Stains are all acceptable and popular nominations.

The Box for Sachs will be accepting any and all entries through the month of October in a gold dig for the name that will lead it into a bright, new future. The steering committee will then reconvene to laugh test the best names on soulless accountants. For now, people will have to remain content with thoughts of Johan van der Smut insider trading pieces of his own flaky skin for 4.44 billion dollars annually. Or of saxophone legend Bleeding Gums Murphy decked out in chains like Flavor Flav.

A Thing that's not a Thing is becoming a big Thing: And Facebook Users are Invited to Suck It

THE BOOK OF FACES - People have a tendency to say things they regret. Some even go a step further and post them on the internet to be publicized forever. And with Facebook's Timeline feature, you can look up all the things people shouldn't have said publicly dating back to when their social media life was conceived.

In a recent internet debacle, Facebook has been subjected to a backlash of complaints regarding its Timeline feature. Facebook users are complaining that their old "private" messages are available for anyone to see and markedly embarrassing.

The best part is, this isn't a thing. "People are festering over a thing that's not a thing. If it was a thing, we could fix it and just say 'Sorry' ... but alas it is not. They are being haunted by the Posts of Christmas Past," says founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

"It's ridiculous!" says one disgruntled FB user. "Facebook has allowed all the private messages I posted on people's walls years ago to be seen by anyone and everyone that's a friend!"

Facebooked with a real imaginary problem, the social media powerhouse is developing its PR strategy to combat the issue. "We are cordially inviting all Facebook users who are angry about this problem to suck it," says Zuckerberg. "We feel this is the best solution. We can apologize all day and night about something that doesn't exist and people will still be angry. So we're just going to invite them to suck it ... cordially, of course."

Facebook has even gone a step further with this PR campaign and hired all the former members of the Worldwide Wrestling Federation's Degeneration X to appear in internet broadcasts and at all press conferences. X-Pac, The Road Dogg Jesse James, Triple X, Sean Michaels, and Chyna have all agreed to participate in the funnest public relations strategy of all time.

Degeneration X, also known as DX, is excited for the new employment opportunity. "You know the whole 'Band of Outlaws' gimmick of telling people to 'suck it' really lost its luster after the late 90's and early 2000's. Frankly it's just rude. But we're glad to be bringing DX back - and for such a good cause."

What's old will become new again this fall in the "Suck My Face Book" public relations tour that will questionably put an end to Facebook's anti-glitch uproar.