INTERNET - New Year's Resolutions are usually pretty lousy. The only thing worse than having to come up with your own is listening to other people's. Well this year, in true capitalist fashion, David Ausenburg, aged 24, sold "non-crappy" resolutions for $20 a piece. The end result was over 250,000 resolutions sold, totalling well over $5 million in revenue.
Ausenburg, having distributed his product electronically, collected pure profit from the business venture. Forbes and Fortune magzine have already reserved interviews with the man who has achieved the American Dream in less than 24 hours.
"It was really easy, I just had them fill out a survey and it automatically generated resolutions that didn't suck and sent them to their e-mail address," says Ausenburg.
"Most people received 'similar' resolutions."
In lieu of the hackneyed determinations to lose weight, save money, and spend more time with friends and family, Ausenburg has his customers doing the Most Awesomest Things ever.
"I just took the top rated items from the website MostAwesomestThingEver.com and made resolutions around them." The most common resolutions involved learning how to travel through time, how to teleport, and eat as much pizza as you can.
One happy customer reports, "I am pumped with my resolution. Instead of having a stupid one, now I have to buy a laser gun. Like the one from GoldenEye. I don't know if they make them, but I'll sure as heck find out."
Wall Street is anticipating a spike in komodo dragon and jetpack sales. Hate or love Ausenburg's success, he has undoubtedly made the prospect of 2013 way awesomer than 2012. So sleep in to your new job as a ninja, because things are looking up in the new year.
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