Hagel in the news making readers hungry for bagels

PENTAGON - The announcement of Senator Chuck Hagel's upcoming appointment as the new Secretary of Defense is expected to have several major consequences. A drastic reduction in military spending, major changes in foreign interventions, and millions hungry for bagels.

"All I can think of is getting a bagel with cream cheese, lox, and salmon every time I hear the name Hagel. The name Hagel is way too close to bagel!" said one very Jewish Time reader.

Speaker of the House John Boehner is infuriated. "It's almost lunch time! And all everyone in America can think of is bagels! This is anarchy!"

Presses have ceased printing articles with Hagel's name, at least until after lunch. But for now, The Skillet wants a Defense Secretary Everything Hagel with Pesto.