Earthquake results in record number of fart jokes

HOLLIS, Maine - Houses rumbling. Phone calls disconnected. Dogs with raised ears and puzzled faces.

The recent 4.6 magnitude earthquake has certainly made its presence felt on the New England community in different ways. Many people reacted with suspicions of faulty boilers, incoming planes, or large passing automobiles. But in the Greater Bean town community, the musical fruit was just the scapegoat New Englanders wanted.


Flatulence humor has been funny among cultures since the beginning of time. Recordings of fart jokes can be traced back to Ancient Athens playwright Aristophanes in 5th century BC. They are even used my monumental figures in history, such as epic writer Homer, and even Benjamin Franklin, and they aren't going to stop now. As long as farting is impolite to do in formal settings it will continue its prominence as the body's and many comedians' best joke.

For New Englanders, this rare occasion [the earthquake] is the perfect opportunity to indulge in the past time yet again. Better yet, bouts of uncontrollable laughter are probably still impacting those who had actually passed gas between 7:11 and 7:12 p.m. local time. Many were possibly asked to cut the cheese for casual wine parties, making the all-too-available opportunity for someone to react with, "We didn't mean that kind!" One can only pray that someone was asked what kind of cheese they wanted on their burger or sandwich, and through some magic in the universe requested 'Fromunda cheese'.

Authorities have already reported a record number of 4,000 fart jokes called into local emergency numbers and news stations. Pictures of skid marks in whitey tighties have been submitted as the "culprit" of the rumblings.

When these incessant zingers will cess is unknown. One thing is for sure, this earthquake has allowed us all to laugh. It has also allowed us to question the structural integrity of our houses. Alright, so two things are for sure.

So thank you to the Beavis and Butthead of natural disasters, for being inconsequential yet meaningful. Hopefully you allowed one crazy uncle to rekindle the humor in the Pull My Finger gag, boys young and old to apologize for having baked beans for dinner, and one lucky man to deliver the funniest and scariest Dutch Oven ever.