We have all seen it. The pair of women with their bug-eyed shades and tan skin cruising down the highway with an extra large coffee made Xtra Xtra into a milkshake. This is a staple, everyday occurrence to be seen in variations among high school and college students, construction workers, and the sleep-deprived, but self-medicated.
Yesterday Dunkin Donuts released its new option for those customers who are more advanced in their caffeine addiction. The gallon.
The steady increase in caffeine tolerances has induced a demand that appears to be limitless. This is a concept known as Coffee Inflation, which has made the status quo coffee order a hefty 20 to 24 oz dosage. Now, those who are ready to take their consumption to the next level have only to make a 42 ounce jump to the gallon.
Why such a huge jump to the gallon? Nigel Travis, CEO of Dunkin Donuts, has the answer, "We could have gone with a quart or even a 2 liter, but we like the gallon. It makes for a hilariously excessive injection into the blood stream." So there you have it, because it's excessive.
Wait, did he say injection? Freudian slip! Dunkins also plans on having a new area of the drive thru called the IV. Customers will have the option of having their caffeine introduced to their body much quicker through the popular intravenous therapy method used in hospitals. Ironically enough, IV's are often used to treat dehydration and coffee dehydrates the body. But let's be honest, anyone who is using this feature isn't overly concerned about his or her health.
The Gallon size will be priced in between the medium and large sized coffee. This more-for-less pricing is, along with the entire concept, also very questionable given that it encourages customers to buy a gallon of coffee instead of 20 ounces. "We hope this will encourage people to up their addiction," adds Travis preceding maniacally laughter.
The new Gallon and IV options are thought to be signs of corporate 'roid rage, a megalomania complex within a powerful organization. The slogan "America Runs on Dunkin" was formerly perceived as a slightly immodest but catchy tagline. Now people are wondering if it is merely harmless narcissism, or indicative of a power hungry quest for omnipotence.
One thing is for sure, dozens of doughnut loving denizens will now be getting their fix in record volumes.
If Dunkin' Donuts is able to take over the world, many are prepared to take it lying down with cream and sugar. Dunks is prepared to pump a gallon of their grandiose ethos into your blood glucose to dunk those dextrose-ridden do'ho's in. And do customers care? No. YOLO!
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