Boston Men No Longer Allowed to Use Bathrooms, Soon the World

BOSTON, Ma. - In the recent performances by Bean Town's beloved hockey team, men have taken to the bathrooms with increased urgency. This urgency has significantly decreased the accuracy of male bathroom goers.

Thus the City of Boston has placed a surprisingly uncontroversial, permanent ban on men's bathrooms.

"Men in general have very little use for bathrooms. And given recent sporting events and our history with public urination, we're at a tipping point where we're just saying 'F*** IT! No more bathrooms, guys!" says Mayor Tom Menino.

Cities around the country have considered such measures not only profoundly logical, but politically rewarding.

"With women's pay and overall rights still not quite up to what it should be, we figure giving them twice as many bathrooms is just a great PR move for society in general," says Barack Obama.

With the "Cradle of Liberty" soiled with the digestion of Beantown's excremental actions, the world looks on at its dirty water to see if such bowld movements ignite a golden shower of innovation for the world.

Yeah.

'Lady of the Night' now means Female Ninja

BOSTON - With women's rights moving in a positive direction, many tired sayings have been put under the social knife and slowly castrated. Who just cringed? I know I did.

One such saying being 'Lady of the Night', which is one of the more confusing movie plots you can read on Wikipedia, but more pertinently is a synonym for a prostitute. Now the saying is going for something a little less derogatory and more badass.

"Feminists agree that women need to start referring to each other as ninjas a lot more. It really promotes an element of badassery that is lacking in the collective identity of women," says Gene Simmons (not the musician), a party leader in the underground caverns of Worldwide Women Domination planning.

Referred to as kunoichi female ninjas are trained in ninjutsu similarly to men. The vital difference being specialized training in using their additional orifice.

The literal translation of kunoichi being "nine plus one", with the plus one referring to the vagina.

"Yes, so the idea of a female ninja using her vagina as a weapon sounds not too different from a prostitute. We understand this. But we are okay with the idea of a women taking control of the night, using all of her faculties to partake in traditionally male pastimes such as espionage, assassinations, and sabotage."

So move over Norma Shearer, Lucy Lui is the new Lady of the Night. Is that racist and sexist? The terminology is too new to really know for sure.

Sequester? More like Suck-quester! Am I right? ...

Washington, D.C. - Animals all around the US have been muttering and making smug faces at the impending ugliness of sequestration.

Or as one sagely homo sapien put it - "Sequester? More like suck-quester!" due to the sucky nature of the entire ordeal.

The profound insight of such a comment is only surpassed by its sweeping acceptance.

Many have made public outcry over national park closures and staffing issues that will develop from the national spending cuts.

Luckily it won't be only animals and people-animals who love visiting nature that suffer.

"Naw, not just innocent animals. Poor women, infants, and children who need medical and housing assistance, old people, and the mentally handicapped will lose support. Hopefully this will teach them to not be so poor and handicapped! Ha!" says House Speaker John Boehner.

In The Skillet's never ending search for the most accurate news conceivable, we reached out to social dignitary Kanye West to comment on the effects of sequestration, Proposition 8, and all things government in order to put this whole mess together.

"I heard 'em say that nothing's ever promised tomorrow today. The real matrimony is with money and yeah they tryna break the marriage up."

And with this no light was really shed on the subject, but The Skillet got to hang out with 'Ye for about 5 minutes, which was worth it.

It's FR*CK*N'! SNOWING!

EVERYWHERE - It's frickin' snowing!

Meteorologists, psychologists, and Scientologists have all set aside their unclear differences and agreed to the fact that it is indeed snowing outside.

"Seriously, it is" says a person who has eyes and is standing outside and who knows what snow is.

The Israeli and Pakistani governments have even agreed to interrupt thousands of years of conflict for the beloved American past time of using the weather as small talk.

"It's quite refreshing actually," says Pakistani leader Something O'Rother.

"Instead of addressing the fact that our countries have a difference in core beliefs, I'd much rather make small talk and act like there's nothing wrong.

The Skillet has reason to believe that it will stop snowing at some point. But for now, it ... is snowing.

News sources report no news to report

Washington, D.C. - Local and national news sources have been on the horn with each other all weekend to figure out what news there is to report.

Their report?

Nothing.

"With such little to report, it seems like we should be reporting this. But that might defeat the point of our jobs" says mogul Rupert Murdoch.

News organizations across the country have thus agreed to take the first day off in news history.

"We are not going to report anything!" they announced in their latest issues.

After realizing their contradiction, the entire news industry went back to sleep knowing that tomorrow is another day.

Maniac puts 3 packets of Swiss Miss in hot chocolate

Washington, D.C. - This morning, at 8:57 AM EST, David Johnsons put 3 --- count them --- 3 packs of Swiss Miss powdered hot chocolate in his morning hot chocolate.

Such gluttonous consumption of Swiss Miss is a new level for the human race.

When asked to comment on such a maniacal act - "No remorse" - was all Johnsons had to say.

"I've never seen such reckless disregard by a living being before," says eye-witness Dave M from finance.

"And now people are talking about how 'Dave' put 3 packets of Swiss Miss in his hot chocolate. David J! Not Dave M! I can't be associated with that level of anarchy."

The local public health department was notified by the office staff of the wild and crazy Dave who put three packets of Swiss Miss in his hot chocolate. They immediately dispersed all available units for damage control.

An initial report speculates that Johnsons is or at least believes himself to be Count Chocula. Given each Swiss Miss packet contains as much calcium as an 8 oz. glass of milk, the CDC has issued publications on the dangers of calcium deposits in anticipation of copycats.

God help us all.

Nutella admits to putting crack cocaine in their spread

Washington, D.C. - Ferrero International, maker of the household product Nutella, has just confessed to the general public that there is indeed crack cocaine in their delicious hazelnut spread.

The news has been taken with pure, unadulterated relief.

"I was worried that I had a serious personal issue to deal with. An addiction to a very addictive drug is much easier to substantiate" says Skillet correspondent Tim Mallard.

With thousands of addictions now justified, supermarkets have observed a major surge in Nutella sales.

"It's almost apocalyptic. People are running in here taking Nutella off the shelves like zombies looking for Nutella. I've seen 12 stabbings today," says Safeway supermarket manager Todd Greenger.

Admonishment has been surprisingly nonexistent for the high level of unethical and illegal activity conducted by Ferrero International. Policymakers and consumers alike have all agreed to look passed this minor detail in order to continue making their morning oatmeal as delicious as possible.

Even Barack Obama approves:

"You know we would ordinarily want to outlaw and actively restrict access to anything containing highly addictive, unhealthy, and illegal substances such as crack cocaine. But in the case of Nutella, I'm afraid we can't. Who's going to tell the American people they can no longer have Nutella? Sure as hell ain't going to be me. Frankly, I think that crack just got grandfathered into America via Nutella."

Sexy ass Nutella eaters get their fix

Since the unveiling of Nutella's secret ingredient, Chinese food restaurants across the United States have admitted to lacing their meals with THC and Washington has thus allowed for marijuana to be legalized too.

"What, you think I can get rid of Chinese food in the US? You kidding me?" says Barack Obama in his best Jim Mora impression before adding, "We'd be lucky to win a game!" which held no coherence to the press conference, but was nevertheless an enjoyable Jim Mora tribute.

The largest issue with the news has been coining a term for Nutella addicts. With the surname 'heads' already being attached to pot, crack, and meth, The Skillet has elected for the term Nuts-ella.

"Like culs-de-sac" says Mallard.

Like culs-de-sac.